The year 1985 was a great one. I was just a wee five-year-old watching Transformers on the television and admiring the coolness of Johnny from Karate Kid. Little did I know my life was going to change forever thanks to a gray rectangular device called the Nintendo Entertainment System. Most video game fans look back and have fond memories of the classics like Legend of Zelda or Metroid but let’s not kid ourselves, just like every video game system, the NES had some horrible games too. These were the 10 worst NES games of all-time.
10) Where’s Waldo
I have fond memories of taking a Where’s Waldo book to school and looking for Waldo during class. But finding Waldo was only fun compared to the alternative of doing homework. Where’s Waldo the video game was pretty boring when I could be slaying Mother Brain or purposely beaning robots in Basewars in hopes that the batter would explode.
9) Bible Adventures
Bible Adventures was a guilty pleasure of mine because I happen to like the Bible, but it admittedly was far from being a good game. Bible Adventures was similar to Super Mario Bros. 2 in that players could left objects and carry them around. Except instead of pulling a turnip out of the grow and heaving it at an evil cactus in Bible Adventures the player would control Noah as he lifts animals over his head and carries them back to the ark. If animal lifting isn’t your thing then try lifting Baby Moses over your head and save him from being killed. Just try not to throw Baby Moses into the river. That would be bad.
8) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
In Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde the player starts as Dr. Jekyll, who is trying to get to the church for his wedding. Along the way people try and prevent Jekyll from arriving at the church. That is when Jekyll pulls out his cane and pokes people. But watch out! When Jekyll gets mad he transformers into his alter ego, Mr. Hyde. Hyde is then transporter to another world where he must battle a myriad of monsters. Wait. I read Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde in high school (and when I say I “read” it what I mean is I looked at the cover once or twice before it got buried at the bottom of my locker) and I’m pretty sure there was no second dimension with monsters. What’s next? A Pride and Prejudice book with zombies? Eh, that would almost definitely never happen.
7) Little Red Hood
Little Red Hood was based loosely on Little Red Riding Hood. Red Hood would walk around the house eat fruit and look for keys (the better to unlock you my dear). Ummm…so…where is like the wolf and stuff? At one point the Red Hood can buy objects. One object is a heart, but not like a Valentine’s Day heart like you might see in Legend of Zelda, but an anatomically correct heart (the better to…pump blood my dear)? Another item is a slingshot. Nice, now I can sling rocks at my opp…wait, I don’t have rocks. That’s okay though, in this game Red Hood throws the slingshot at people.
Well, it was pink and there were flowers. The game was about as dumb as Barbie is. So I guess it was accurate? Okay so Barbie had no shot of being good it just wasn’t up my wheel house. But I’m guessing that even the girls that played this game thought it stunk. Am I right ladies?
5) M. U. S. C. L. E.
M. U. S. C. L. E. were these little pink figures of all sorts of wacky wrestlers. There seemed to be a million different characters (but that could’ve been my childhood imagination running wild) but my family was not very wealthy so I could never afford any. Then M. U. S. C. L. E. came to the NES and I expected a slew of zany, entertaining pink wrestlers. Instead the game had weird looking mutants with no character and no original moves.
4) Winter Games
Winter Games seemed like a good idea but unfortunately the controls for the game never worked. Summer Games had already set the bar pretty low for Olympics video games but Winter Games couldn’t even reach those heights. To be fair though, it’s difficult to jump with ice skates on.
3) Action 52
Action 52 was one cartridge that collected 52 playable NES games (and my playable NES game what I really mean is unplayable NES games). The Action 52 game had glitches and freezes so often that I don’t know a single person that had a working copy.
The name Renegade always reminds me of two equally crappy things. The first is the WCW wrestler imposter that imitated the Ultimate Warrior and helped Hulk Hogan against the Dungeon of Doom. The second horrible Renegade was a video game that imitated classic games like Double Dragon and Bad Dudes. Both Renegades were like the original but without the face paint and tassels. You know, everything that made the original cool. I don’t think he had anything to do with the video game but I blame Hulk Hogan for that too.
One of the advantages of the NES is that back then all the classics (Mario, Zelda, Metroid) were brand new. There were no expectations to live up to. Once developers began to adapt popular franchises to the NES was rarely successful. Expectations were never higher than the X-Men game. I could go on and on about what is wrong with this game but this sums up how dumb this game was: Wolverine doesn’t even have claws!