For whatever reason, you’re stuck in a German hotel room. You’ve seriously underestimated the dollar to Euro exchange rate and all the cash you have left needs pay for the cab fare back to the airport. (This is, of course, asuming that you want to go back home.) You have no computer, no smartphone, no radio, no books, no mP3 player and the television is broken. You don’t know anyone in Germany to visit with. What to do?
- Find out how slowly you can suck on a Tic Tac before it dissolves.
- Eat, if you have food. If not, drink a glass of water. Then, in out 20 minutes you’ll have something else to do. You’ll need to run to the bathroom.
- Figure out how the shower works. If the shower doesn’t work or there isn’t one, figure out all of the gymnastic manoeuvres necessary to accomplish a sink bath. Actually taking the sink bath is optional because after you’ve figured out the towel arrangement, the temperature of the hotel bathroom and measured any available leg room, you just may be exhausted. Then you can move on to # 4.
- Sleep. Always a favourite and arguably more entertaining than German television.
- Draw the blinds, turn on the lights, get naked … and then pop all of the zits on your body. Ingrown hairs count as zits.
- Get out your tweezers and pluck out all bizarrely-placed body hair. You can’t use a razor because you are not even allowed to bring a safety razor into Germany, so tweezers are your only option. No tweezers? Use your thumbnails. No thumbnails? Go back to sleep.
- Take acetaminophen or aspirin for the headache you received from oversleeping.
- Wonder if the well-behaved passenger sitting next to you on the airplane was actually a terrorist. Sure, he had a neutral body odor, read model airplane magazines and seemed amiable enough – but isn’t that the perfect cover? Try to recall his face in detail so you can immediately call the FBI and claim your reward when he makes the FBI’s Most Wanted list. That way, at least, you can pay off your credit card bill for your lovely German hotel room.
- What do you mean, your German hotel can’t take your credit card because the machine is down?
- Figure out a plan to slip out of the hotel without paying. Sure, the hotel knows where you live, but you can move when you get back home. Besides, the television doesn’t even work. You think this place can really afford to hire a lawyer for trans-Atlantic litigation?
- Read the list of ingredients on any food or beverage items bought in Germany. Copy them down so that when you’re back home, you can run them through Babel Fish and see if you’ve eaten what you’ve thought you’ve eaten.
- Read the nutrition information on any snacks you brought with you. Promise yourself to finally look up what “Yellow 5 lake coloring” means.
- Promptly forget #11 because you really don’t want to know.
- Wonder how many people lost their virginity in your hotel room. On second thought, you’re alone in a German hotel room with a broken television. To avoid feeling even worse about yourself, skip to #15.
- Write a list called “15 Things to do in a German Hotel Room When The Television Won’t Work.”