A mosque at Ground Zero. My first reaction is “Who Cares? ” and then I realized I should. So I do care – deeply. Very very deeply. Are you convinced yet?
Okay I really do not care, but I do think that the people are approaching the problem entirely the wrong way. I don’t think there should be a mosque or a church or a synagogue at Ground Zero. I think we should build something that Americans really worship, that reflects the character of our great nation and our deep commitment to moral values.
Towards that end, I sincerely – WAIT!! – okay, every time I say SINCERELY, you cannot laugh. This time I SINCERELY, VERY, VERY SINCERELY MEAN it and the following list is the result of hours of contemplating the American soul and trying to find a monument to what we really believe in.
Ta da – here are possible monuments to what we believe in:
- A statue of Ronald McDonald.
- A time capsule containing all thousand episodes of American Idol.
- A statue of a coffee mug celebrating Star Bucks.
- A statue of a donut symbolizing Duncan Donuts.
- A gigantic potato chip next to a gigantic bottle of beer, next to a gigantic couch, with a gigantic statue of a gigantic statue of a man lying on the couch watching a gigantic TV showing a football game. By the way I hope you are gigantically impressed by how many times I worked gigantic into that last gigantic sentence. For not one minute do I want you to believe that gigantic is a search term for this gigantic list of ideas.
- A statue of a gigantic hand , palms open, looking for a government handout.
- A big video screen, similar to the ones you find at football stadiums ( which I think are about a mile high). The screen will run a continuous loop of infomercials featuring totally worthless weight loss diets, supplements and equipment designed to help you lose 1,000 pounds in an hour or less.
- A gigantic middle finger raised which points directly at Wall Street.
- A statue featuring a drive- through of any fast food place. It will feature a fat family in the car, all of whom are too lazy to park the car and walk three feet to open the door and actually go in the restaurant.
- A gigantic Dollar Symbol – $ – which is dedicated to health care reform.
- A statue of a Gigantic Twinkie.
- A gigantic IPOD plugged in the ears of a teenager, who is also holding a cell phone in his or her hand, while showing off his or her tattoo. The statue is dedicated to “Our Future.”
Well as you can see from this list, I have examined the American Value System, peered into the American Psyche and found those items which best reflect our American Morals and Values.
I must now care deeply and sincerely study other GIGANTIC problems, much like the mosque dilemma, which plaque our society.