I wonder if it is worth writing a letter that may never be read. This is the thought that carries within me at this present moment, rushing through my mind and carrying with it any hope that would allow me to accomplish my destiny. I know as I write that God reads every word and knows what the next will be, but that seems not to have the weight I would think it should. My life, as empty as it has been for so many years has a necessity that I cannot understand. An emptiness that lies within me that has not been filled for so long that sometimes feels that it cannot be filled at all. Why should I waste the time and energy put into thoughts and feelings that may never truly be expressed? There has to be a reason for everything we do and no matter the circumstance an outcome that will be that of accomplishment and fulfillment in one’s heart.
I have believed and felt God in my life since a very young age and although I have not been a follower for nearly two decades I always have that fear of God within me. The Love that I feel is that of a child for his father and a feeling of wanting to make him proud is what I long for. I have done so many things in my life, accomplishments and opportunities that sometimes fathom me and are truly remarkable, but none are capable of filling a void in my life. I enjoy talking, writing and expressing myself on anything but foremost what I believe in, God’s great love and grace. I am not a preacher and I honestly never liked preachers. I know that may sound bad and something many have looked at me strangely for saying, but there is something about being preached at or to, it is a feeling that someone is trying to tell you, you are not good.
That to me is not the right way to ever speak to someone, preaching to them is more or less a way of keeping them away and shunning them without meaning to. There is a very thin line between speaking to someone about God and preaching to them about God, so thin that many may think I am crazy for thinking there is a difference. But there has to be a difference, I mean how many times have we sat with our parents and had a beautiful conversation about life and what we want to do with our futures only to the next time be in a situation that the same conversation turns into a lesson? Not everyone wants to be taught or told what they should do, some just want to listen and speak about God and who he is.
This is why going home is so difficult, not knowing what to expect is very hard. I hope God allows me to live by his will and in his grace.