On a sad note for America, which contributed to a sorrowful Friday, September 17, 2010, for these United States, America’s vicious, respectful, yet almost extinct mascot, the Bald Eagle, gave his official resignation.
Washington immediately congregated in a truly bi-partisan effort to elect a new mascot for America. “Without an official mascot,” Republican House Minority Leader, John Boehner said Friday, “America is left in a vulnerable position. This leaves an opening for terrorists. We’re working on closing that gap the Bald Eagle left this morning.”
The Bald Eagle, smelling of rotten fish, looked haggard at the impromptu press conference; one eye appeared infected and dribbled a bit of pus, his beak too, chipped and broken, and his feathers thinning, exposing areas of striking baldness on the magnificent bird’s body. He listed a set of reasons for resignation.
America is no longer brave. It is cowardly, the Bald Eagle said. America has come to represent everything I am not. It has become bloated, anxious, fearful, and ugly. As you can see, the Bald Eagle said in a moment of personal candidness, the ugliness of America is affecting me physically and mentally.
And that was it. No questions were entertained. The eagle was escorted away, refusing to shake hands / feathers with current and former American presidents.
America’s new mascot stepped up directly after the Bald Eagle’s press conference, and has been confirmed by the Supreme Court, the Obama Administration, and was swiftly OK’d in an off-the-record vote in both the House and Senate.
America welcomes the Chili Cheese Hot Dog.
The mascot, glimpsed by a few serendipitous reporters, is said to have pencil thin arms and legs extending from its bun. The Chili Cheese Hot Dog is also thought to be male. His hands are gloved, and his shoes are shiny black.
President Obama: “I think America’s going to see prosperity like it’s never seen under the Chili Cheese Hot Dog.”
Bill Maher: “All right, so it turns out the Chili Cheese Dog’s real name is Rush Limbaugh.”
Former President George Bush Jr.: “I like hot dogs, and the more chili cheese, the better. Go Rangers! Course, he can’t fly like the eagle, but that’s trivia, and I don’t want to start parsin’ words like the liberals.”
Richard Nixon (from the Great Beyond): “I enjoy a good toasted weenie with chili cheese. You can’t get that in Vietnam.”
Hunter S. Thompson (from the Great Beyond): “I’d tackle that Chili Cheese bastard and unzip him to see what I’d been suspecting all along. A mutant blend of George Bush Jr. and Richard Nixon reincarnated. That bastard will always haunt this country.”
Ronald Reagan (from the Great Beyond): “If more kids appreciated a good chili cheese hot dog, they wouldn’t be so apt to do drugs. Now let me ride my horse!”
Oprah: “Whether we like the Chili Cheese Hot Dog or not, it’s important we, as Americans, welcome him into our fold.”
Former President Bill Clinton: “I’m newly vegetarian, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have respect for a real good Dog. And I want to thank the Eagle for his extended services to our great nation.”
Christine O’Donnell on behalf of the Tea Party: “I hope there’s a lot of pork in that Chili Cheese Dog so we don’t get our Middle Eastern neighbors excited about it. This mascot is for Americans only. And I’ll tell the Bald Eagle right now: YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT AMERICA! The eagle is cowardly, not America.”
Oscar Mayer: “The Chili Cheese Hot Dog is clearly from Oscar Mayer. We can think of nothing more suitable and appropriate to represent the pride and greatness of the U.S.A than an Oscar Mayer wiener.”