(An analysis of history’s most expensive beauty contest)
Well, we’ve logged another Election Day for the history books. Unless the revisionists have already rewritten this year’s history books.
President Dude appeared simultaneously at rallies in, as Joe Biden might put it, “all fifty-five battleground states.” The President looked both teleprompters in the eye and told everybody to be sure and vote, because all that change he promised two years ago had just been rescued from an Arizona Prison, where it had been held prisoner by George Bush.
“I was coming with it! Next week! Thursday, 3pm! I had the Change in a box and was gonna release it next week! Yes we can! Next Thursday! Yes we can!”
In truth, it was actually a fairly normal day in America. And that, if you think about it, is amazing. People were allowed to vote, our government adjusted itself accordingly (and without bloodshed), and there were no military forces involved before, during, or after. That’s a normal day here.
As a wise guy who writes satire, I bark and snipe and make a lot of noise, but deep down, I’m very, very proud of my country, and of my countrymen.
Okay, now that we got that out of the way . . .
Here are some random scenes from Election Day, 2 November 2010. Witness:
• Holding a press conference in an California drug mule tunnel, Barbara Boxer announced that she had managed to get her remaining hair hired by Hewlett Packard, but the hair was then out-sourced to China by Carly Fiorina.
• Poll-watching activists sued South Dakota’s Black Hills and White Plains, New York, citing irreconcilable racial differences. Brownsville, Texas and Yellow Jacket, Colorado had no comment.
• In a last-ditch effort to simplify the write-in ballot, Alaska’s ego dragon, Lisa Murkowski, had her name legally changed to “A.”
• 24×7 campaigning began to take its toll on some of the players. At a late-afternoon rally in Pennsylvania, Bill Clinton wagged his finger at the crowd and insisted that he had not had sex with himself.
• Hearing about Harry Reid’s early lead in Nevada, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews claimed he felt a tingling in his leg, but the tingle turned out to be Dennis Kucinich, stuck in Matthews’ crew sock.
• In South Carolina, Jim DeMint appeared to be leading Al Green, although Green had appeared at a county fair, holding an action figure of himself and challenging DeMint’s prize-winning honeybee collection to a Spelling Wasp.
• Based on early exit polling, Maryland’s Barbara Mikulski looked to maintain her Senate seat after her hair and its hair spray threatened to swallow the “z” from her opponent’s name. Mikulski promised to ingest several other consonants if necessary.
• Based largely on alleged “I used to be a witch” comments, Delaware’s O’Donnell prepared to get beaten like an eight-egg omelet. When asked for proof that O’Donnell was a witch, celebrity double-figure Joy Behar, who was released on a day pass from Roswell, New Mexico by Barbara Walters, cried out, “she looks like one!” Behar also claimed that O’Donnell had turned her (Behar) into a newt. Of course, no one could argue with that.
• After hearing of O’Donnell’s fond and growing fan base, Barbara Boxer issued a statement asking to be called a “warlock,” because she had worked really hard, you know, to get there.
• Shortly thereafter, at several East Coast polling sites, New Black Panthers claimed they had been attacked by Winged Monkeys.
• During a Midwest rally, Sarah Palin sneezed so hard that her sinus cavities aired out for the first time in three decades, which cleared up her oddly-attractive nasal twang. This caused a surge in Palin’s popularity among sado-masochistic West Coast liberals, causing Barbara Boxer to join Gold’s Gym, where she worked, you know, really hard.
• Not to be outdone by Boxer, Nancy Pelosi flew her private jet from Northern Orange County to Southern Orange County and went shopping for a leather gavel.
• In a small Rhode Island town, fourteen citizens simultaneously walked east, causing the state to tilt to the right. FoxNews immediately issued a new graphic, and three ACORN poll-watchers sued a conservative filmmaker they found hiding in a closet. ACORN then sued the closet, citing irekoncil … orreconc … ireckonsi … winged monkeys.
• Based on an odd statistical anomaly, all gubernatorial candidates in Texas were exactly even in the polls, so they all shot each other. Austin, the state capital, immediately relocated to Ciudad Juarez and made a vampire movie with George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino, starring Lex Luthor as Jerry Brown.
• In South Carolina, Hey Hey Nikki Haley Barber decided to join a Monck’s Corner nunnery (or a Nun’s Corner monkery) and had to give up her corn-cob-filled flatbed truck. Her opponent Vincent Price Charlie Sheen prematurely went to his victory party, but was tragically killed by a Maurice’s Barbecue sandwich that was stuffed in the underwear of a rogue exchange student from Fiji. The Department of Homeland Security promised to profile the student and immediately begin searching the underwear of all tourist-class grandparents, looking for any suspicious printer toner cartridges.
• In Pennsylvania, Joe Sestak’s teeth won, when challenger Pat Toomey’s teeth were run over by an Amtrak commuter train conducted by Joe Biden’s fifty-five teeth.
• In Florida, Marco Rubio had to withdraw after he was mistaken for a short pile of something white. Then, tragically, he got snorted in a large Miami mansion by Michelle Pfeiffer and Al Pacino, starring Mel Gibson as Nick Nolte.
• Liberal challenger Kendrick Meek also ducked out of the Florida race after accepting a TV offer. Meek changed his name to Butch von Andros and plans to star as Barbara Boxer in a reality show with Monica Lewinski and Vernon Jordan, tentatively called “Miami Vice Grip.”
• At several Palm Beach County polling sites, winged monkeys claimed they had been attacked by angry AARP members in golf carts, who pelted the monkeys with filed-down purple heartburn tablets.
• And Florida’s Charlie “I’m too tanned to work” Crist could not be reached for comment, as he and Arlen Specter were busily fine-tuning a sweet new Shape-Shifter mechanical toy that they bought at Faust ‘R’ Us.
Yep. A fairly normal day in America.