I have heard that a true addict will sell his own body; will sever the bond of lovers, friends, and family; will even sacrifice home to preserve and continue the addiction. I learned this truth as its shards penetrated my own sphere.
Upon discovery, adrenalin exploded…face and skin warmer to the touch, nerves pulsing heat, sweaty panic, no particular anger though. Shortly after, shock and disbelief surrounded and remain. Not as biting now, but still echoing, still tearing at the memory of us.
I can only imagine future impact, but the immediate effect is toxic and will, except for memory, end the remainder of what was. The surreal will succumb to future steps and path during the next hours and days. Self-preservation amid withdrawal.
The bond between us withers. I cannot summon trust. Somewhere within, deep and not so deep, these realizations sadden me.
I bear you no significant ill will. You have suffered the hounding of personal demons since childhood, and the bet is their latest gleaming talon. You need no more pain, and I have none to inflict.
Tonight I will sleep, if I can sleep, behind barricaded doors, my cellphone within reach. I will sleep near the remains of my parent’s life’s work…the pieces you left behind. You taught me today, finally and truly, that nothing is guaranteed or forever, and that precaution is now warranted. I will not need to learn this costly lesson again. Ever.
Farewell to the tortured child who changed my core. Farewell to a part of me.
Our first night seems galaxies removed, ever expanding.
This expression will never reach its mark…it was not intended to breach such distance. Spontaneous expression can later become embarrassing, nurturing, confirming. I do not know where these words land among the possibilities, as adrenalin delivers both clarity and blindness.