Last week, I was a victim of slander. Not in a hyperbolic, annoying sort of way, but in a legal definition of the word/someone said something untrue about me and as a result I have lost income/I’m contemplating legal action sort of way. It is a horrible thing to have happen to you, and I can now relate to any poor soul who has ever had to go through this. Rumors are part of life. I am an adult, and I understand that, but a flat out lie about someone that can sully someone’s name is a different beast entirely.
That’s the part that really stings — being accused of something that I know I didn’t do, even having a credible witness to back my story, and still not being believed. While I am not, by nature, a litigious person, it is sad that it may have to come to that in order to defend my name and recuperate lost income.
I bring this up because of the very nature of this column: celebrity gossip. After all, you have to be asking what sort of hypocrite I am, as I am about to write a column with “gossip” at its core. So, I would just like to say that, for the record, I despise gossip, celebrity or otherwise. In agreement with our justice system, I am one to believe that everyone should be looked at as innocent until proven guilty. Hell, I’m the sort of guy who believed that Michael Jackson did nothing wrong … seriously.
I write this column for one reason: to entertain. I consider this an alternative gossip column if, by definition, there can be such a thing. As many of you who have read my pieces before have already discerned or commented on, this is a celebrity gossip column for people who hate celebrity gossip columns, and I treat it with the lack of reverence it deserves. However, there is an element of real gossip in it, with most of my information culled from other celebrity gossip websites.
I have always been one to believe that gossip about celebrities, like most gossip, is in large part unfounded rubbish. If something sounds enticing, no matter how true or untrue, it spreads fast and is readily soaked up by the masses … and those are about the only ingredients you need to create gossip. So, regarding this gossip column, I would urge you to always assume that anything I’ve written about someone here is not true. This is an entertainment column that attempts to satirize traditional celebrity gossip columns, nothing more. In other words, before you go judging anyone based on something that someone says about them, do your research! With that off of my chest, let’s dig into some juicy nuggets of celebrity gossip …
It was a golden week in the world of celebrity news, with one Mel Gibson providing enough sustenance for gossip gluttons to feast on for a year. By now, everyone with a pulse has heard the story of Mel Gibson’s violent, obscenity-laced phone call to girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, but did anyone else notice that Gibson sounded exactly like an angry Vince McMahon, CEO of the WWE? The only thing missing from this rant was an underwear-clad Ric Flair running up from behind and smacking Gibson in the back of the head with a metal folding chair when he was done.
Normally, a tirade such as Gibson’s would spell the end of a career in the entertainment industry (or any other industry, for that matter), but perhaps Gibson will be offered the role of Satan. No, not in a Pixar movie as the voice of a cute, cartoon Beelzebub, but as the actual overseer of the fiery pits of eternal damnation. It would be the ultimate ironic ending for a man who produced a movie about Christ’s burden. I don’t know what the afterlife holds, if anything, but if you see Mel Gibson anywhere near you in any sort of post-death scenario, you can be pretty sure that you’ve effed up.
And as effed up as effed up gets, the cast of “Jersey Shore” recently went on strike and, as a result of the disgruntled cast’s valiant efforts, MTV will apparently give the entire cast a 200 percent pay raise over what they made the previous season. I wonder if triumphs such as this are what the AFL-CIO had in mind when they merged in 1955. In other news, Congress has still not agreed to extend unemployment benefits.
Someone who will not be extending her stay is Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer. After LiLo’s recent probation violation, which resulted in a 90-day jail sentence, famed attorney Robert Shapiro has decided to drop her as a client and call it a day. What? Lawyers don’t leave celebrities, do they? That’s unheard of! Shapiro didn’t even quit on O.J. Simpson! I think the last lawyer to leave a famous client was Jeffrey Fieger, and his famous client was Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka “Dr. Death.” Nice company, Lohan. Even Charles Manson’s lawyer stood by him until the end.
Speaking of bat-shit crazy, a recently slimmed-down Mike Tyson has revealed to the world that he is now a vegan. I bet that Evander Holyfield wished that Tyson would have made this dietary life change decision BEFORE he bit his ear off.
Taking a bite out of the never ending garbage recycle of TV crime dramas is “comedian” Janeane Garofalo (I wrap “comedian” in quotes because I think the last time that she cared about being funny was in the mid-’90s). The bane of right-wing radio hosts is currently in talks with CBS to join the cast of a “Criminal Minds” spin-off and, let me guess — she’s gonna play the cynical one. *sigh* I really hope that Janeane comes forward and states that this is not true. You see, I had the world’s largest crush on Garofalo when I was in high school. I used to daydream about the witty, self-deprecating way in which she would reject me. Upon hearing this news, high school me would have been very disappointed.
Of course, high school me would be even more disappointed to learn that future me writes a celebrity gossip column, but I digress. The point is, I’ve had it to the core of my DNA with forensic shows. I don’t have cable — and I’m certainly not going to do anything as unseemly as read a book — so every time that I change the channel, it’s either a rerun of “King of Queens” (we get it: Kevin James likes to eat), a reality courtroom program (we get it: the judge is sassy), a PBS documentary on food of some sort (we get it: hot dogs are all-American) or one of these boring detective shows with David Caruso looking over his sunglasses before a song by The Who blares at top volume (we get it: the investigators are cool and smarter than everyone else and can solve every crime ever committed). I wish that they would finally make a cop show based on the real amount of effort that law enforcement puts into solving crimes — it would be about 10 minutes long, humorless, and involve a lot of paper work and fried carbohydrates. The classic rock part would probably be the same though.
From solving crimes to committing crimes, singer George Michael was recently arrested (again) in London. This time, the former WHAM! frontman (LOL) was booked on suspicion of being “unfit to drive” after smashing into a building in this, his SEVENTH, car crash. Who taught him how to drive? Billy Joel? You know, I kind of feel sorry for ol’ George. I get the feeling that he’s probably not that bad a guy, but he’s just happened to have made every bad decision in his life in the presence of a cop.
Another pop star who hasn’t done anything good since the Reagan administration, Prince, has recently shunned technology, declaring an end to the Internet by stating that, “The Internet is completely over.” Wow, this is very disheartening. I’m gonna lose so many Facebook friends and, without being able to surf the web, where will I go to waste hours of my life while avoiding self-examination and human contact? Besides, given all of the work that former vice president/current nut blowhard Al Gore put into inventing the World Wide Web, it just seems mean for the eccentric singer to flippantly banish it like that. Doesn’t it?
Note to Jesse Jackson: Thank you for assuring all of us that racial injustice is officially a thing of the past. That’s right, when you recently compared Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert to a “slave master” in response to his sour published sentiments toward multi-millionaire basketball star Lebron James’ decision to sign with the Miami Heat, it signified to the nation that civil rights “leaders” have officially run out of real problems to deal with and that we can finally move ahead as a world free of discrimination based on skin color. In all seriousness, you’ve done a great disservice to the many people who are battling real everyday problems rooted in bigotry, Mr. Jackson. Lebron needs your help right now like Roman Polanski needs Woody Allen’s.
P.S. I realize that Charles Manson represented himself in court … that’s part of the joke.
Until next time, keep your head hidden in the bushes and your eyes on the stars.