The last of the Chilean miners has been rescued, to the joys of the people of Chile and the millions of people around the world who watched the drama unfold on television. However, as viewers watched each miner emerge from the cavernous depths a mile below, it became apparent that each one was wearing sunglasses and looked to be in relatively good health despite a slight pallor to the skin.
Now the horrifying truth has emerged: the majority, if not all, of the Chilean miners have been infected with Zombie Virus Type A, the most common infectious agent which can turned someone into a zombie.
Soon after being taken to a special hospital wing, nurses and doctors noticed that all of the miner’s eyes were very blood shot and that they would frequently bit whomever got near them. When a nurse noticed that many of the miners were eating dead dogs and cats smuggled into the hospital for them by zombie sympathizers, a blood test soon revealed the truth. The Chilean President now says that he suspects that the miners asked for the sunglasses in order to hide their “true nature” from rescue personnel.
Fears are mounting that one of the rescue workers who first entered the mine may have been eaten by the zombie miners, or possibly turned into a zombie himself. Surprisingly, the Chilean military discovered that there never was a mine cave-in to begin with, leading many to suspect that the entire episode was staged by the miners in order to lure authorities into complacency for unknown reasons.
Of the 33 rescued miners, 20 are being treated with an anti-zombie serum developed just a few weeks ago by NASA while 13 of the zombie miners escaped before authorities could realize what was going on. A recovered zombie miner speaking to the press said that, “all we wanted was to get out of the mine so that we could turn people into zombies, and our stomach ached to eat the dead flesh of domesticated animals. I am so ashamed now.”
The President of Chile says that he will support the rehabilitation of the zombie miners under medical care, but that the remaining miners will be hunted down by the military if they do not either return to the hospital or go back into the mine. A specially formulated pepper spray known to be effective against zombies is being distributed to the public.
This is believed to be the first time that someone has caught Zombie Virus Type A in a subterranean location.
Millions of Chileans are making daily offerings to St. Zelda, the patron saint for those suffering from zombification, and the President of Chile has asked that nobody wear sunglasses in public so that the zombies can be more easily spotted.
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