I saw the other day that Congress was holding hearings on concussions and their effect on high school athletes. I am somewhat of an expert on concussions having been knocked out eleven times. And of course a couple of these were high school athletic injuries. I don’t mean to brag, but I took a couple of blows to the head during my high school athletic events, but did not whine, but stayed the whole game.
The first time I was drinking a beer or maybe a few and fell out of the stands and landed on my head. I think I was knocked out for awhile or maybe passed out, depending on how many beers, I had. But falling out of the stands during a football game certainly qualifies in my book as an athletic injury. But let it be said, that my friends, always having my best interests at heart, hauled me back into the stands, passed me another beer, and we stayed the entire game.
Actually, I did play several sports in high school including hockey. This was back in the seventies where we had no real helmets, no mouth guards and basically used our heads for banging into the boards and our faces for stopping the puck and every now and then, the occasional hockey stick. I can’t remember our coaches every being very alarmed about this, and once during every practice some one would get hit in the face, start bleeding and we would apply our high-tech knowledge of medicine by scrapping some ice off the rink surface, handing it to the bleeder and telling him to apply pressure. Actually this worked most of the time.
My other concussions involved car accidents, bike accidents, hiking accidents and angry husbands. Always wear a helmet when dating a married woman is the only advice I can give at this point. The advantage of dating a married woman is that you save money on dates, married women tend to shy away from being seen in public with you, but it is best not to believe her when she says “My husband never comes home early. ” Also if the husband comes early from hunting, this is doubly bad as he can be somewhat angry and is carrying a loaded weapon, which is, in my opinion, is never a good combination. Husbands that play golf, tend to inflict less injuries as they have to chase you before they hit you with the golf club.
Anyway be that as it may, I do know the signs of a concussion. They involve – warning important medical information ahead – the signs of a concussion involve:
§ Staring blankly into space for hours
§ Doing the same action over and over and not remembering it
§ A sense of power – thinking you can solve all the world’s problems
§ A loss of touch with reality
§ Not being able to hold a real job
§ Mumbling to yourself
§ Meddling in people’s affairs even when not invited
§ A compulsion to spend other people’s money.
After reading the above symptoms, you can see why Congress is the perfect body to investigate concussions. They display all the signs of having several major concussions.