It’s been a long summer without sequins, spray tans and snarkily-accented judges. Thank goodness they’re all back with a vengeance on the first episode of this season’s DWTS. Also back are hosts Tom “laughing man” Bergeron and Brooke “boobilicious” Burke. The dances this week were the cha cha cha and Viennese waltz.
Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani:
“The Hills” alum looked great and judge Carrie Ann Inaba agreed that she had the body for the competition. Tony looked much happier this season and he can hope this pairing will go far.
Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya:
For an athlete, and football player at that, Kurt did better than expected. He’d better do well because he needs the money to support his seven kids.
Kyle Orlando Massey and Lacey Schwimmer:
The biggest challenge young Kyle had this week was focusing his eyes on Lacey and Brooke’s faces when he was sandwiched between their very-much on-display a-hem assets during the backstage after-dance interview. The 19-year-old Disney star could be the dark horse this season since probably no one really knew who he was but he danced quite well.
Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke:
Although the height difference seemed like it could’ve been awkward, Rick pulled off his Viennese waltz very gracefully. Carrie Ann loved his posture. Cheryl’s hair looked beautiful too, much better long than short.
Margaret Cho and Louis Van Amstel
This Viennese waltz was a Cho-saster. The pair tried to pull off funny but you couldn’t tell if the mess ups were on purpose or not, that’s what the judges asked. Plus Margaret wore a super-unflattering tight dress that covered up her entire body but highlighted her giant flabby stomach pouch. Next time, if there is a next time, don’t forget the Spanx!
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy:
Made a good-looking couple and judge Bruno summed it up very well: “I love the taste of Brandy in the evening.” But Maks claimed he was changing into a good boy this year… NO!
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas:
The infamous teen mom danced the cha cha cha meh – better than expected but we weren’t expecting much. Where’s Sarah Palin for comic relief? Speaking of… how funny was it a couple weeks ago when Arnold Schwarzenegger made fun of Palin senior when he tweeted a picture looking out of his plane’s window: “Over Anchorage, AK. Looking everywhere but can’t see Russia from here.” HA Haaa.
Florence Henderson and Corky Ballas:
Florence, Florence, Florence. You like to swear and want to be as endearing as Cloris Leachman was but really want to be able to do the dances. Oh SNAP. We see where Mark Ballas gets his hip-swiveling moves from.
Michael Bolton and Chelsie Hightower:
Stiff as a board Bolton. It’s like his hair gave him power and once it got clipped… phhht he’s just a short-grey haired stiff mess no matter how hard his sexy partner shimmies around him.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Karina Smirnoff:
Although he danced better than one would have expected, he was a bit stiff, but the judges sort of forgave him since he only had four days of rehearsals. As Len Goodman said: “it’s a situation, Situation.”
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough:
She was so happy when she met Derek until he made her cry… but their dance made us cry so Derek made everyone cry. Too many “Dirty Dancing” references… please, we can’t recognize her from then anyway since her nose is totally different. Has she accomplished anything since that movie anyway? It was over 20 years ago…
David Hasselhoff and Kym Johnson:
We had such high hopes for the Hoff especially in his awesome leather and sequins outfit. But alas he looked much better than he danced. He blamed his old age, but we blame Kit… where’s your helpful talking car to get you out of a trouble when you need it?