Daniel Tosh (of Comedy Central’s “Tosh.0”) is on tour with a stand-up act. He recently played the Chicago Theater (Nov. 12, 2010) and played Peoria the night before. His stand-up act does not involve any of the filmed YouTube bits that have made him popular. There was, however, a large screen onstage, as well as 2 comics who preceded Daniel Tosh. Tickets in the box seats where we were seated were $39.50 plus a $10.50 handling charge.
The first two comics had a few good lines, but Tosh was the real draw of the night. When he finally came onstage at quarter of midnight on Friday night, attired in a gray sweater, blue jeans and sneakers, he immediately said, “I am not good live. Just a heads-up.” Smiling his small self-satisfied smile, Daniel Tosh then proceeded to share some random thoughts, like “All white people are from Vermont,” and “It’s weird to think that the White House is now a bad neighborhood.”
Talking about how his girlfriend takes a long time to get ready, Tosh mused that he didn’t see why men would get mad if their girlfriends took a long time to get ready, making them late for dates. “That’s just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends,” he said, to laughter.
Tattoos came in for their share of criticism (“I’m just one opinion away from being replaced,” laughed Tosh). After leading in with the idea that those who are pondering a tattoo are often told to think how it will look when they’re 90, Tosh mused, “Nobody who is covered with tattoos will ever live to see 90. It’s documented.” Then he laughed again.
Another seemingly unrelated thought: “Kangaroos can’t hop backwards,” quickly followed by “Some of you will die in a DUI accident tonight.”
Tosh made fun of people who say that they aren’t stupid; they just aren’t good test-takers. “Right,” he said. “And, by that same reasoning, I’m not a bad painter; those are just stupid brush strokes.” When a heckler began to give him trouble, Tosh shut the man down by saying, “Please stop. How does it feel to know that if you were killed, my life would be better?” The comment on being killed led to some suicide reflections that reminded me of George Carlin’s last tour (prior to his death) when Carlin had gone very dark and riffed on suicide for a very long time, alienating some in the audience.
Stumbling slightly against his stool and the small table where his watch ticked down the time, he said, “When shit hits the fan, I don’t have Jason Bourne-like reflexes.” A woman in the crowd called out and Tosh said, “If I were to pinpoint why you haven’t found someone, it’s probably because you put yourself out there too soon.” He looked at the audience and said, wryly, “I’m one of the few comedians who actually loses fans when he tours.”
Tosh actually knows the producer of “Survivor” (Bruce Beresford-Redman) who was recently arrested and charged with killing his wife Monica while they were on vacation in Cancun and stuffing her body in a sewer. Tosh said, “He seems like a normal guy but, one day on vacation, he apparently freaks. Afterwards, he can say, ‘˜You win again, Honey. You ruined my life!'” (The murder was supposedly related to Monica’s discovery that her husband was having an affair and her request for a divorce. Currently, the husband is fighting extradition to Mexico for trial.)
Following this, Tosh said, “There’s no excuse for domestic violence,” but then noted, “But what if you come home and find your wife drowning the last of your three children. Are you not allowed to clock her before she finishes the act? There’s clearly a gray area somewhere.”
He talked about his girlfriend taping sporting events for him, but failing to select the Hi-Def channel, saying, “I pay extra so I can watch TV like poor people.” He did have nice words for his girlfriend, however, but perhaps “You have to plow a 4 to appreciate an 8” wasn’t one of them. He further mused, “Relationships have almost no chance of succeeding, anyway.
The economy came in for its fair share of jokes, with Tosh urging those in power to “Fix the economy.” He said, “Young people: be prepared to work hard your entire life until you die.” Going further, he said, “It used to be that people retired at 65, but they only lived to 66. At that point, they might have a ‘˜Do not resuscitate’ sign; outside their door, because most people didn’t live to be 100, but now they do. Sorry, Mee Maw, there’s no tappin’ out of this fight and laying down and going to sleep.”
Another verbal flight of fancy had Tosh discussing Brett Favre’s $16 million salary. “Why would he retire? He can drop back and not start and earn $2 million. He can be on the scrimmage squad and make $750,000.” With that kind of money coming his way, reasoned Tosh, why would Favre ever retire? He also talked about the Chicago Bears: “Jay Cutler is solid. Get rid of the Coach.” Tosh expressed his opinion that baseball “needs steroids” to be interesting and said, “Soccer: not enjoyable unless the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.” He mocked the Winter Olympics: “Finally, we get to find out which country can slide down a hill fastest!” New Orleans Saints did not escape criticism, either, as Tosh talked about recently playing the city and said, “F*** the Saints! I’m not gonna’ pander to your city just because Mother Nature gave you a much-needed bath.” Gymnastics? “I hope you miss the vault and rib-cage it.” Michael Jordan: “Keep your tongue in your mouth.” Kobe Bryant? “After he was accused of rape, they just changed his number from #24 to #8: That soulless town couldn’t be prouder!” Pittsburgh: “Our fat city invented food with more food in it.”
Other ramblings: “How is being Amish even legal? Really, you don’t think that’s just nonsense?”
On women who have multiple children, like the Octo-Mom: “Those poor kids. 14 kids. They must have felt like those Chilean miners, before birth. Why doesn’t she have her vagina stapled shut? When the Octo-Mom tried E-Harmony, they paired her up with a rabbit.”
On Michael Jackson: “Wasn’t he on borrowed time when he changed races? You know why he was having his comeback tour start in London? Because nobody wants to see a 50-year-old man scooting backwards.”
Checking his timer again, Tosh noted, “I, like most people, do not want to work a second longer than I have to.” He looked at a large man, who was protruding into the aisle and said, “You — sitting that far out is clearly a fire hazard. Ta da!”
Church: “Why do they have church on Sunday? Young people say, ‘˜Yeah, thanks for ruining our weekend. It’s only old people in church.” This led him to a comparison of the crimes of yesteryear and those of today. “In the South in the old days, the older generation had lynchings. It makes my file saving seem trivial. Excuse me, but you hung someone and I stole $2 from the Kings of Leon.”
He noted, “It’s so fun to make fun of women. Big can be beautiful..just not to me. I find you disgusting. I don’t date women from China because that’s a big red flag.”
He ended by telling two horrifying stories. One involved a little girl, run over near her home by careless drivers who were constantly speeding. The neighborhood put up speed bumps to prevent it from happening in the future. “Now, every time they hit one of those speed bumps, they’re reminded: Natalie! Natalie! Natalie!”
His other story, a true one, involved a young boy who ignored repeated warnings not to pass into a certain area at an amusement park. The young boy was chasing his hat, which had flown from his head. He eventually ventured too near the roller coaster and a young girl on the roller coaster, whose leg was dangling down, hit him in the head and actually beheaded the youth. But Tosh’s point: “Now, that girl with the broken leg in the cast has to tell everyone how she broke her leg.”
Daniel noted that he and his sister often play practical jokes on one another, but she was not amused when he replaced her pepper spray with silly string.
An interesting evening of unrelated comedy musings, sans film clips.