I don’t understand what the big deal is about these TSA body scans and pat-downs… after all, isn’t it better to be scanned or patted than, you know, be blown up? If anything, I think the TSA hasn’t gone far enough in exploring the possibilities associated with these procedures. We pay millions of dollars for medical scans each year – and whenever we walk through an airport we get a scan done for free. Why not give airline passengers a free souvenir printout to take to their next doctor’s appointment? Better, charge a nominal fee to offset the cost of the scanners. I get to use my personal time for something fun instead of going to some radiology center, TSA gets some cash – which means that whoever funds them gets taxed a little bit less. And I get a souvenir of my time in the Philadelphia International Airport’s Terminal A. Maybe we stimulate the economy a little more with some souvenir frame shops – after all, isn’t the human body a work of art? Sounds like just the thing for that blank wall in the home office or over the toilet. These days you can print a photo on just about anything – Christmas tree ornaments, ties for dad, and even t-shirts (a new twist on the tuxedo t-shirt or the bikini t-shirt), so why not open up a gift shop right there to capitalize on the possibilities?
Now the lower body pat down… certainly too old school to provide a take home print out option, but really, TSA, there are some options to consider. This is a great time to help airline passengers relax with a quick massage, or maybe fit in a quick add-on-for-a-small-nominal-fee shoe shine while they’re standing there with their shoes off. Who doesn’t like having their shoes shined? The perfect way to say you’re ready for business when you get off the plane. Add in optional lint-rolling along with the pants-pat-down and you can walk out of the security check looking your best.
Not sure if you want to ask that cute guy in front of you for his number? Sneak a peek when he gets his pat-down to see what things look like. Ready to make your move? Trade body scan printouts as an ice-breaker! Find out if he has tumors, broken bones and/or a concealed weapon before you even go on your first date (or get on the plane). With the lint-rolling-and-shoe-shine option (see above), you’ll both be looking your best (and come on, you know that your odds of getting a phone number go way up with shined shoes) and if things go well, just think how cute they’ll look in a double frame in your dream house.
So, TSA, I think the complaints will decrease if you do more, not less. What do you think?