LOS ANGELES Calf – In a stunning turn of events, the Democratic party has pulled off the upset of the millennium. Predicted to lose up 100 seats in Congress and a possible 15 in the Senate, the Democratic party has not only retained all but one of the seats up for grabs but has managed to gain several more as well.
In a White House briefing, press secretary Robert Gibbs vehemently denied voting irregularities had any bearing on Tuesday’s outcome. “I would say that if any Republican is experiencing a voting irregularity he should try Metamucil. There are no irregularities, none. It was the cleanest election, the most carefully watched election in the history of this nation. I’m not aware of any irregularities”
Reporters caught up with President Obama’s former Chief of Staff Rham Emanuel as he was returning to his rented apartment with a bag of groceries and a DVD rental under one arm. When asked for his reaction to the Democratic party landslide, Emmanuel replied, “M***** F****** said this would never happen – promised it was never gonna happen.” According to an unidentified “EMANUEL FOR MAYOR” staff member, the Former White House chief “will sure as heck be making a phone call to Barak about getting back in the saddle – sure enough this changes everything.”
The President was in good spirits at a White house celebration commemorating the unbelievable Democratic party upset. “I think the American, uh, people have made it clear about who they want in charge. Your average, uh, American doesn’t have the education or experience to take care of day to day choices and they are smart enough to under – understand that. So, the time has come for Republicans to – uh, permanently – move to the back of the bus. This is America and we don’t discriminate on the basis of color or ethnic origin. But we cannot tolerate an, an, ideology that threatens the Democratic Party line.” When asked to clarify his statement, the President replied, “Look, uh, I think it’s high time to take a page out of Abraham Lincoln’s play book, a page out of Woodrow Wilson’s play book. I’m bi-partisan enough to, uh, glean from the wisdom of a Republican. Heck, I’ve been taking a look at Maximilian Robespierre recently. Bottom line, the, uh, American people have made it clear they want this partisan rabble elimi-, uh, uh, rabble-rousing to end. Now, let me get back to my waffle, can’t you see I’m just trying to enjoy a waffle here?
At a press conference at her campaign headquarters in San Francisco, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi chortled gleefully over the downfall of the opposition party. With a voice hoarse from over-use and emotion Pelosi screeched “I think it is time we did a little mowing of the astro-turf.” To deafening cheers she continued, “In keeping with the values of Jesus Christ, the Word made Flesh, I believe it is time to burn up the chaff of the astro-turf with unquenchable fire!” The Speaker brushed off requests to clarify her remarks. “Time is money” she said, “and the less time we spend quibbling over how to finally end this charade the better.”
Reporters gathered outside a Las Vegas Casino were Senate Majority leader harry Reid was enjoying “a little deserved R & R” said the Senator. “There is no doubt the American people have come to realize my intervention has brought the economics of the stimulus up front and center to main stream America, because that thing we all need is never available in the common place circumstance when the health care bill was on the edge, except for the time I was an undergrad which could have resulted in over-stretching the situation of which I’m very much responsible for.” When asked to clarify his statement Senator Reid rejoined, “I’m sure you know that every light skinned Black in Nevada does not have a negro dialect.”
In a related story, Walt Minnick, the incumbent Democrat representing the Idaho’s 1st congressional district lost his bid for reelection. Minnick’s campaign was doomed at the last hour when it was revealed by an unnamed staff member that Former Representative Minnick “is in the early stages of senile dementia. It really started when he switched from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party and noticeably accelerated after he voted against the health care bill.” Former Representative Minninck was not available for comment.