So you broke up. Now you are sad, lonely, your face is puffy and red from crying and you have probably gained ten pounds from too many late night rendezvous’ with your best friends Ben and Jerry. You want him (or her) back! Are you sure?
Here are some things to consider before you throw yourself into getting the one that got away back in your life. Usually when someone is an “ex” they earned that title for a reason and often in the emotion of the break up, we forgot why we weren’t happy in the relationship in the first place.
What was so great about them?
Seriously, did they raise the dead? Find a cure for cancer? Rock your world? Often we get involved with someone on the “possibility” that they may turn out to be someone you want to spend your life with. They really were only kind of “OK” when you met them. Often we become accustomed to being an “us” versus an “I” and are known to settle for less than what we really want. Was your ex really that great or did you just want them to be?
Were you really happy?
Being happy because you can say “I have a significant other” is not the definition of happy, that is the definition of co-dependent. Happy is looking forward to seeing the other person but being just fine when they aren’t giving you attention during their every waking moment. Did you enjoy the time you spent with them or did you spend it stressing about when they would call, show up, what they were doing or trying to just make them happy? Just because you liked having someone in your life, doesn’t mean you were happy with that someone. Feeling scared, nervous, insecure, ignored or happy only because someone is giving you attention is not what a relationship should feel like. The answer to this question would be, no you weren’t happy with your ex; so why do you think you will be now?
Did you like your ex?
This may seem like a silly question but it’s a crucial one. Did you like your ex? Again, not did you like that they gave you the time of day but did you like the person that your ex was? Were they nice? Friendly? Kind? Rude? Self absorbed? Have addictive issues? Mental health issues? Could you talk to them about anything and not worry about backlash? Did you trust them?
It’s amazing how many people get involved with someone they don’t like or respect and yet they claim to be in love with them. Love is not overlooking every single flaw someone has and swallowing bad behavior just to be with them. If this person did things that made you uncomfortable more often than they didn’t, then it’s doubtful you liked them. If you didn’t like them, how do you really expect that you might love them?
These are just a few things to consider before going back to your ex or even bothering trying to get them back. Often, if you give yourself enough time to grieve the loss of the relationship, you will find what you were really sad about was the end of a relationship and yes, maybe even the good time wasted on someone that wasn’t worth your time but you really don’t miss your ex.
Before deciding that you want your ex back, give yourself some time to deal with just being on your own. You might find that being single is not as scary as it might first appear. Find someone that will contribute to an already happy life instead of someone that you think can make you happy. Nobody else, not even your ex can make you happy if you are unhappy with yourself.
You don’t need to get your ex back to be happy nor should you expect them to be any different than the person you knew before they became your ex. People are who they are and most don’t change who they are for any reason. If the relationship didn’t work before, it’s rare that you can make it work later unless both parties took that time apart to work on themselves and grow as people.