The mirror that I own must be defective. It shows my body as it moves into view, but I know that there is something missing. The fullness, the extension of me is nowhere to be seen. Wait…there I am, no, now it’s gone. I know that for one fleeting flash of a moment I was really there, the whole me.
Again I try to find her, perhaps if she doesn’t know that I am looking for her she will not be so illusive. I will just pretend to be looking at myself, you know the one that’s always there when I look, the one who’s too fat or gray, or young and inexperienced. You know…the imperfect one that I stare at every day waiting for her to blossom, to mature, without getting old of course.
Perhaps if I come back later I will see the fleeting one, the one that somehow feels right, the one that makes me smile. Or is it that when I smile I can see her more easily? Hmm, that is an interesting thought. It does make sense that she would be more willing to emerge and show herself if I start the process.
OK, here goes. Just a little smile at first, I don’t want to over do it….is she there? Yes, I just saw her peek out briefly then slip back in again. Perhaps if I said some nice words to make her feel more comfortable, “Hello little friend, we know each other well, don’t we? I mean you no harm. Can you please come out and visit with me…just for a moment?”
As the curtain of difference melts away, there I am. Whole. Complete. Alive. Stay awhile please.
I see myself reflected in her eyes. We are one. We are smiling, we are happy, we are me.
Then it begins, my mind tries to take over, asking questions, complaining. Why can’t it be like this all the time? She fades a little. Why is this so hard? She fades some more.
Shush! Be quiet! Just enjoy the moment.
She comes back a little.
I like the me I see. It’s the real me, my eyes shine with the brilliance of a million stars. Well, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. I hear myself sigh off in the distance.
Yes, this is nice. I know I won’t stay long. But now I know that I can come back.
I just have to be the one to start the process.