An Iowa woman has admitted that after a near two year relationship with her main man, one Eddie Gunther, she has been faking her sarcasm since day one. “Yeah, I love him, but when it comes to the sarcasm department, well . . . I have to fake it with Eddie.” The 22 year old woman who does not want to reveal her identity, admits that Eddie is a great guy in every way but he’s no “heavy hitter” when it comes to brilliant banter.
The unidentified woman swears Eddie is her one and only, yet when Eddie isn’t looking, there she is cheating on him, trading barbs with sundry strangers, friends and acquaintances and the occasional talking clown at the Jack In The Box drive thru. Recently Eddie caught her in her outside the relationship dalliances. The girl, who we’ll call “Wanda” was caught red-handed trying to one up a used car salesman in the smarmy witticisms she so needs to feel fulfilled.
Eddie and Wanda have fought over this almost constantly and it is straining the relationship claims Wanda. “Eddie is soooooo jealous!” she laments. “He even gets mad at me when I read the old Far Side calendars and stuff like that. Once he caught me laughing at The Onion and he refused to speak to me for a whole afternoon!”
Eddie is even so paranoid that he used to follow Wanda in disguise and sit in the back of the room in her college classes to see exactly whom she was trading sarcastic comments with. He once caught Wanda replying “I’ll bet!” in a sarcastic tone to one of her classmates who swore he had aced the last test. Eddie sat in the last row, fake glasses and nose fuming with anger. Wanda claims their “banter life” is dead, having turned her cold to his advances of clever conversation.
Wanda lamented that in the beginning Eddie was witty and sharp, but he now takes Wanda for granted. “In the early days Eddie wowed me with his take on things, but now he wants me to be a wife and mother type, so it’s all literal, all the time,” she complained. “Heck,” Wanda sighed, “I told him to go jump in a lake and 15 minutes later he walked home in soaked clothes, smelling of lake weeds and stagnant water. Sheeeesh! I was just being sarcastic!” she moaned. “Now I am forced to laugh at his words when frankly there is nothing to laugh at!” The last I saw of Wanda was when she and Eddie argued, yet again she forgot her role. She told him to “Bite me!” and Eddie proceeded to take a chunk out of her shoulder. The rescue squad took her to the hospital in time, but now there’s that series of rabies shots, so it is more of the same.
Conversation experts see doom on the horizon for this young couple, but in a move to save their love, they have booked Carrot Top, in hopes that some sight gags cleverly interlaced with sarcastic presentation will inspire them.