Since its debut in November of 2004, the television medical drama “House” has been bringing its audience plenty of laughs due to the unconventional nature of its central character, Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie). House is a medical genius who is constantly picking on his team of diagnosticians, his boss who finally becomes his girlfriend during season 7, and the hospital staff and patients. Throughout these fiascos, House is known for his witty comments and unique sense of humor. The following are a collection of funniest quotes from “House”.
Dr. House: “Everybody lies.”
Dr. Cameron:“Dr. House doesn’t like dealing with patients.”
Dr. Foreman:“Isn’t treating patients why we became doctors?”
Dr. House: “No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.”
The above “House” quote was taken from the premier episode titled “Pilot”, or “Everybody Lies”, of season one. The pilot introduces Dr. Gregory House and his team of diagnosticians at the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in New Jersey.
Dr. Cameron:“What about sex?”
Dr. House:“Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.”
Dr. Cameron:“I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.”
Dr. House:“Heh, nice cover.” [winks]
The above “House” quote aired in the second episode of the first season. The episode titled “Paternity” features Dr. House who takes an interest in a sixteen year old boy who begins to have hallucinations and night terrors after being struck in the head during a lacrosse game.
Nun:“Sister Augustine believes in things that aren’t real.”
Dr. House:“I thought that was a job requirement for you people.”
The above quote comes from the fifth episodes from season one of “House”. Titled “Damned If You Do”, the episode revolves around a new patient, a nun. Sister Augustine comes into the clinic with a red rash on her hands. She believes that she has stigmata but Dr. House suggests an allergic reaction to dish soap. After he administers epinephrine, the nun has a rapid heartbeat and House must prove that he did not make a fatal mistake before Sister Augustine dies.
Dr. House:“Ah, my birthday. Normally I’d put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time. I really didn’t think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn’t the little planet that could all over again.”
The above “House” quote was pulled from season one, episode sex, titled “The Socratic Method”. The episode features a schizophrenic mother and her son who must deal with an abundance of symptoms, including deep-vein thrombosis. When a strange phone call causes the mother to lose her son to social services, House must question her sanity.
Dr. House:“You talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.”
The above quote comes from the nineteenth episode of the second season of “House” titled “House vs. God”. The episode involves House’s skepticism of the patient’s faith in God. After the young healer somehow shrinks a cancer patient’s tumors, House begins to question the boy’s healing ability and connection with the Lord.
Dr. Foreman:“I had a date last night. She screamed too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?”
Dr. House:“Of course not. This isn’t a veterinary hospital. Zing!”
The “House” quote above was taken from the fourth episode, “Lines in the Sand” of the third season. The plot revolves around Adam, an autistic child who begins screaming loudly and choking while at home for no apparent reason. While dealing with his young patient, House must also fight Cuddy who has replaced his blood-stained carpet while House was recovering in the hospital after getting shot.
Dr. House:“See that, they all assume I’m a patient because of the cane.”
Dr. Wilson:“Then why don’t you put on a white coat like the rest of us?”
Dr. House:“I don’t want them to think I’m a doctor.”
Also from episode one of season one, “Pilot”, the above quote is another example of Dr. House’s humor. This episode received great reviews and was watched by nearly seven million viewers. This made “Pilot” the sixty-second most watched show of the week in November of 2004.
Dr. House:“You told me you hadn’t changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?”
Dr. House:“Does your husband have high blood pressure?”
Dr. House:“Yeah, see, if you’re going to repeat everything I say, this conversation’s going to take twice as long.”
This final “House” quote is from the seventh episode of the first season, titled “Fidelity”. This episode begins with the patient, Ed, who returns home from jogging to find his wife sick in bed. After arriving at the hospital, Cameron tells House that the patient has been sleeping 18 hours a day. House must diagnosis her condition before her emerging symptoms become life threatening.