My husband and I prayed for a baby. He wanted a birthday baby born in January. One April passed and almost a year later in March my doctor offered me fertility drugs. I decided to wait. We had prayed for a January baby maybe this April was more in line with God’s timing than last. I would see the doctor again in May either to confirm a pregnancy or to start the treatment.
In May we were given a due date of January 15, 2010. I had no idea what the next 9 months had in store but I was already very sick and miserable. July 9, 2009 I was admitted to the hospital after several trips to the ER and my doctor had not relieved my ever worsening pain and vomiting. After a consult with a surgeon we decided to do surgery to remove my appendix. The radiation needed for the tests was more dangerous to the baby than the anesthesia and the test are not 100%. While not all my symptoms pointed to it being appendicitis if my appendix ruptured while I was pregnant we would probably both die so the safest thing was to do the surgery.
Turns out I wasn’t in immediate danger of it rupturing; I had a tumor not an infection. It probably wouldn’t have shown up on the test and if I had not been pregnant since I didn’t have all the symptoms they would have felt it safe enough to wait on the surgery. The tumor was very small and probably wouldn’t have been causing me any pain or problems until much later if I hadn’t been pregnant and all my organs getting crowded putting pressure on it. The cancer most likely would have spread before being diagnosed. Cancer that has spread to multiple organs is much harder to effectively treat. The doctor felt certain the tumor was small and completely contain in the appendix and hadn’t spread. I’ll have blood work to look for markers every 3 months and after the baby is born more extensive tests that involve radiation to be sure.
Everyone said I should name the baby Miracle, because it had probably saved my life. After that it was all down hill emotionally. Every bite of food that wasn’t perfectly healthy, every time I came near somebody with a cigarette, every day I didn’t drink 64 oz of water or didn’t exercise, or medication I took no matter how much the doctors assured me I needed it more than any risk there was to the baby, made me feel like I was failing miserably, like I didn’t deserve the miracle. I prayed for this baby for almost 2 years, not only did God answer that prayer but even the selfish part that I wanted the baby born in January, and he even threw in a miracle to prove His timing and not ours is perfect. I wasn’t worthy, I was making mistake after mistake no matter how hard I seemed to be trying to do everything perfectly.
The guilt was eating me alive. I was so sure my own selfishness and inability to do anything right was killing the baby that had saved my life. I wished I had died. I even reached the point where I couldn’t pray; I felt like a child who does wrong despite his parents warning and has to face the consequences. I still believed in God but felt like He had given me so much and I failed Him so miserable that He had given up on me. Through the help of a Christian counselor, I was too embarrassed to admit how I felt to anyone else. I finally told my husband and vaguely told a few friends and through their prayers and my continued efforts to pray I came to realize I had one more prayer answered in July than I had realized. I had been praying for several years for God to show me my purpose in life other than surviving the day to day, asking Him to use me to bless others.
A weight was lifted off my shoulders, the guilt gone, as I realized it wasn’t because I am not perfect or even worthy that I felt so guilty. It was because God gave me everything I had been praying for and I was too blind to see it. He had once and for all proved beyond any shadow if doubt that He is real, He is all powerful, He loves me right where I am with all my imperfection, He believes in me even when I don’t believe in myself, and He answered my prayer for a calling. I was just too blind to see. So after several months of suffering I want to share my miracle with the world. So that maybe my story can touch a heart in need and somebody else can come to realize that they should just keep believing, keep praying and in God’s perfect timing they will receive blessing beyond what they ask for, certainly beyond what we deserve. Because it’s not about being good enough for God, it’s about God being good enough for the whole world. We shouldn’t wait until we are worthy, we accept Jesus as our savior and trust that God will meet us where we are and through Him we will be made worthy.