Every Halloween we see the same old thing – a bunch of pathetic children dressed as ghosts, princesses, and Batmans because their parents are too unimaginative to come up with anything else. It’s enough to make you throw up into the hastily employed plastic Target shopping bags these poor kids use to collect the candy.
This year, give your kids the gift of originality. Allow them to stand apart from the unwashed masses of mummies and Frankenstein’s monsters. Here’s a fresh, topical costume idea for Halloween 2010 – Rod Blagojevich.
Who doesn’t love former Illinois governor/current media whore Rod Blagojevich? The embattled Chicago politician somehow manages to do interviews on every channel, 24 hours a day. He’s so unbelievably delusional that even Psychotic Reginald, host of The Psychotic Reginald Political Call-In Show, can’t believe what Blago is saying.
This is a costume that will be instantly recognizable to even your dumbest neighbor and will make your child the hit of any jury deliberation room.
Let’s begin with attire. You have two choices: Governor Rod or Jogging Rod.
For Governor Rod, dress your child in a rather drab gray suit. Tie color is up to you, but make sure it’s a boring, solid color.
Jogging Rod requires only a t-shirt and shorts. You may also want to fill a squirt bottle with water and brown food coloring to simulate Rod’s hair dye-infused sweat.
Ah yes, the hair! Blago’s moptop is so ridiculous that no wig could ever do it justice. I recommend finding a large black cat that has recently passed away. Tape this to your child’s head.
Now that the former feline is firmly affixed to your child’s cranium, it’s time to work on behavior.
As the door opens in reply to cries of “trick or treat,” your child should push to the front of his pack of goblins and Buzz Lightyears, firmly shake the homeowner’s hand, and say, “Hello. My name is Rod Blagojevich and I am innocent of all the ridiculous charges levelled against me by the vindictive Illinois political elite.” Your child should then offer to sign autographs.
Once the candy has been distributed, your child should insist to the homeowner that he has received no treat. Here is a sample interaction:
Your Child: Excuse me, but I didn’t get a treat.
Homeowner: Yes you did. I gave you a mini Snickers bar.
Your Child: You are mistaken, sir.
Homeowner: I gave you and every other kid a mini Snickers bar. Isn’t that right?
Other Kids: Yes.
Your Child: Look, I don’t know what these other kids have against me, but the tapes will prove that you didn’t give me a candy bar.
Homeowner: Tapes? What tapes?
Your Child: I can’t get into what exactly is on the tapes, but they will prove these allegations to be false!
Homeowner: Just take another mini Snickers bar and get the hell off my porch, you weird little brat!
Now that your child has more candy in his bag than the other children, he can begin to taunt them: “This bag is fucking golden.”
The best thing about the Rod Blagojevich costume is that it’s reusable. Since the jury deadlocked on 23 of the 24 counts, the prosecution of Rod Blagojevich will span many Halloweens to come.
(Also see 2010 costume #2.)