I think holiday shopping should be a professional sport. Black Friday kicks off the official Christmas shopping season. The black in Black Friday refers to stores turning a profit. And I always thought it stood for the black eyes that shoppers gave each other as they battled for the best deals.
Wait, wait! An even better idea! Let’s not make Holiday Shopping a sport – let’s make it a reality show! Cool! And have you noticed that this paragraph wins an award for the most explanation points! Cool! See explanation points are ideal for describing my new reality show! Because reality shows always make everything sound so exciting! Look Snooki is going to the bathroom! Oh Boy!
I have no idea what this reality show will be called – Holiday Shopping for the Brain Damaged comes to mind and I would run it by my agent, the pit bull in a dress, but I am not allowed to call her after 11 at night and after I have had a few bourbons.
Somehow, I suspect my agent will turn down Holiday Shopping for the Brain Damage just as she turned down the title for my latest book, Chicken Soup for the Brain Damage. Something about potential lawsuits or some nonsense.
Anyway, I am open to any good titles. Let’s face it. Two glasses of wine, a quick hit of bourbon and you should be able to beat my title. Heck, a two year old with diaper rash could beat my title. I know that made no sense, but I just like that term, a two year old with diaper rash.
But the reality show would be easy to put together. You put together very intense people who think it is actually important to win this Holiday Shopping Contest. Wait – put together very intense people who think it is very important to win a stupid contest – doesn’t that describe every reality show? I think I will skip the idea that instead of getting kicked off the island, they get kicked thrown off the fifth floor balcony of Macy’s. I can already hear my agent mumbling something about law suits.
How many players will be on each Holiday Shopping Team ? I have a rough idea. The teams might include: Parking space finder, strong bladder to sit outside until the stores open, an enforcer, someone who can force her way down the aisle, clearing the way for the rest of the team and an idiot savant who can quickly calculate the best deals in her head , plus one or two scouts who go ahead and find the best deals.
Other ideas are that there are two teams of women, two teams of men and two teams of gay people. They will each be given the same amount of money , be given a list of people to shop for and they CANNOT shop at Wal-Mart – they really have to search to find the deals.
The winners will be decided by the gift recepients. Let’s say I am on the list of people you have to shop for. I select the best gift that I have gotten from one of the six teams, and that gives them a point.
I know this is rough, but it is a work in progress. But be prepared to be BLOWN AWAY.
The real genius of this Reality Show is that each team is coached by a professional football coach who is allowed to use all the clichés he wants. COOL! Sorry, just needed another explanation point!
So the football coaches could be interviewed before the official start of Holiday Shopping on Black Friday and say stuff like:
• We have to do some smash mouth shopping.
• We have to open up the shopping lanes
• They have to take care of the charge cards.
• They have to establish their running game
• Sure, our backs are against the wall, but a good second half in the shoe department can put us back in the game.
• We have to stick to our game plan.
• We need to get in our hurry-up offense.
• That keeps the shopping drive alive.
• It all depends on where they spot the price on that sweater with the slight stain
• We are marching down the mall
• You really want to come away with some good buys when you are this close
• We have to have great blocking at the point of attack
• She bulls her way for yardage and a super buy
• She is a bruising aisle clearer
• She shook off several would-be tacklers and made the sales counter first
• Nobody laid a glove on her.
This season is officially 29 days long. We better get this reality show on the road now! Ladies and Gentlemen START YOUR SHOPPING CARTS!