Let’s put together a Holiday Survival Kit. Sure it will contain knee and elbow pads, as well as a helmet for that crowded mall shopping, but else would it contain?
Taser gun: Can be used to stop kids from looking at presents. Taser the cat to show the kids what will happen if they touch the presents. Chances are this will not kill the cat. If it does, the good news is that the kids will get a new kitty for Christmas. Another option is to test the Taser on a large animal, such as an ex husband, who will flop around the floor after being tasered. This will really scare the kids not to shake their presents.
25 Rolls of Invisible Tape: Ask your obnoxious nephew if he wants to be invisible. Wrap him in invisible tape than say “Whoops it didn’t work. I can still see you.” Go shopping then come back and untape him.
A machine gun that you can mount on your hood and spray cars with bullets when they try to steal your parking place. This might be illegal. You might want to check with your local public officials. But it is still a good idea.
Ear Plugs: Needed to survive all the Christmas Music. Especially any version of Feliz Navidad, the worst Christmas song ever. Actually I love Christmas music and always choose the station, right after Christmas that starts playing Christmas songs 24 hours a day. This accomplishes two main things, annoys my kids and they tend to avoid driving with me and I get to hear Dean Martin at least once a day. He has the best version of Blue Christmas which kicks Elvis’ butt.
Comments like that are why my children avoid riding with me. Do you know how tough it is to have a decent conversation about Dean Martin? I think right about here, someone needs to invent an icon, which shows my children rolling their eyes.
And yes, being a cruel father, I have put Dean Martin CDs in their stockings. And I know as they move Christmas Shopping Season up every year, somewhere there is a radio station that starts playing Christmas music – whoops I mean HOLIDAY music – right after July Fourth. I must find that small town and move there.
By the way, I hate the term Holiday Christmas. Come on, who is “Dreaming of a White Holiday” Can you see Elvis singing “Blue Holiday” ?
Well that was quite a departure , admitting that I am not a Grinch and really do enjoy Holiday Music and the other joys of the season including standing next to that sick person in line who is coughing up a lung and spraying germs on the ten people next to him.
Well this has turned into ” How not to put together a holiday survival kit”. I apologize for the tangent into Holiday Music. Excuse me but I now have to go untape my nephew. I wonder if he is invisible yet?