In Minnesota, when it is April and you are hoping for Spring, but all you get is another foot of snow, you go crazy. When you are shoveling snow, but there is no place to put the snow, because the snow banks are already six feet high, you go crazy. And when you have spent the last hour in minus 22 degree weather, digging out your driveway and the snowplow comes by and drops another foot of snow in front of your driveway, you go crazy.
And I did. I had just shoveled my driveway and then I had an inspiration. I would buy a flamethrower. That would be so cool. Fire. Fire that would roar out of my flamethrower and melt every piece of freaking snow in sight. Of course when it melted the snow, snow would freeze back into ice.
But I did not care. I was insane. I hated winter and I hated snow and I wanted a FLAMETHROWER.
Did I say that Minnesota winters drive you crazy?
So I started my search. I could end up a crispy critter, a permanent resident of the burn ward, call me Sparky – I DID NOT CARE – I wanted a flamethrower. Insane? Oh I was insane. The first website I went to offered me a manual on how to build a flame thrower but it did come with this warning:
“The information on this website is for ACADEMIC USE ONLY! Do NOT attempt to actually build a homemade flamethrower. Extreme Injury or death can occur.The author of this manual accept NO responsibility for any injury or damages to people, animals or property.In some areas,building, owning or using a flamethrower can put you in jail for a very long time.”
Death? Who cared. At the point, I would have gladly chosen death over another Minnesota winter.
But being only mildly insane, I decided to search for other options
A quick aside here. You gotta love America. There are no laws restricting the ownership of flame-throwing devices. Anyone can buy one. Even your five year old niece. YES!!! Only in America can you launch rivers of fire at people !
I found that you can make your own flamethrower by buying one of those super-soakers, those water guns on steroids, make a few minor adjustments, fill the tanks with lighter fluid and you can throw flame at anything you damn well please. Including SNOW. SNOW – I HATE SNOW – I WANT TO BURN SNOW..
Yes that was truly my state of mind. And even though the winters had driven me over the edge, anyone would, for the right price, sell an insane man a flamethrower.
But – it was those damn warnings again that made me pause. But I did love this warning.
“Children should not use the flamethrower.” What that really said is “We think you are stupid enough to let a child have a flamethrower, but we will sell you one anyway.”
And I could buy real shoot them up and kill them flame throwers. Consider this ad:
“The real deal. Have a Working Flamethrower for sale. This is a tested, working, Vietnam area M9. You get the M-9 Tanks, Working Repro wand, nitrogen filling system, 55 gallon drum of Vietnam area Napalm mix and full instructions .Asking price 8K.”
How easy is it to buy a flame thrower? Heck your Big Box Hardware Store sells them.But they call them weed killers. Again consider this ad:
“Get rid of weeds (and snow or ice in the winter) the easy way! This Vapor Torch Kit includes everything necessary to operate except the propane tank. It’s rugged, featuring all steel construction and has 10′ UL Listed hose. The 100,000 BTU torch comes fully assembled, features a squeeze valve that will pay for itself in propane savings in no time. The optional dolly with tank strap makes quick work of big jobs and is suitable for LP gas cylinders up to 40 pounds.”
I never did buy a flame thrower, because I had a bit of sanity left, and knew that I would burn myself as I have the coordination of a drunk two-year old.
And I moved down South the very next month, because I knew that if I spent one more winter in Minnesota, I would be buying a flame thrower!