Making sense of what God had in mind when taking someone you love, it’s a very complex and difficult thing to comprehend.
Meeting my father for the very first time was scary, exciting and full of questions experience. I never imagine how it would feel like until that day. I never new my father because he was living in Johannesburg with his other family and my mother never wanted to hear anything about him.
I was twelve years old when I first saw a picture of my father. After meeting my cousin brother at school I started investigating about my father’s whereabouts and luckily my cousin new him well and where he was. I started writing to him and he wrote back. He sent me his picture with R60.00 inside. That was a lot of money by then, I had to hide it so that my mother doesn’t ask questions.
Seeing his picture felt like heaven open and I was nominated to be part of it. I couldn’t believe I was looking at a man who brought me to this world, whom I’ve been looking for all my life. I couldn’t tell my mom because she hated the idea of me going to my father or even knowing about him was a taboo.
For whatever reason between them.
Few years later he returns home to Venda with his family but he made sure that he contacted me. That was when we met in person for the first time. I was eighteen years old by then but I felt like a kid again. I was looking at my father, my future, my god.
He was just a baker working in a bakery but that didn’t matter to me he was my dad and I was proud of him. When I visited his work; he will call all his colleagues and show me off like I was this new born and I will feel so loved. Every birthday he will bake me a birthday cake, it wasn’t much but he was my Dad, he cared for me.
When I tried to ask him why he is not with us he will always say” forget about what went on between me and your mom, just remember that I love you, you are my first daughter”. I never ask him why he was never there for me when I needed him
When he started getting sick (Diabetes) he let me know about it. I helped him everywhere I can, with advice and money but I was in Johannesburg busy with my career and he was in Venda. It was like the wheel has turned.
On the 26 august 2007 he called me to say his legs were swollen and he is admitted for observations at a local hospital. I rushed home to see him but he was transferred to Petersburg hospital which is another two hours by public transport and I had no money for transport. So I waited for him to be discharged. By the time he was discharged I was back to Johannesburg to work. The worse mistake I’ve ever made. If only I had called work and ask for leave. I just assumed that he will be ok then I will see him another time.
That week on Wednesday I received a call from my mother that he passed away from shortness of breath. As a medical person I immediately knew that from the swollen legs he must have developed an embolism that must have shoot up to his lungs.
I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t cry I was so shocked. All those questions I had before I met him came flooding into my head. I started blaming myself for not seeing him, for not saying goodbye. If I was there maybe I could have done something to help him. Maybe if I didn’t know him it wouldn’t be his hard, but now I had his picture engraved into my head and my heart. I couldn’t stop seeing his face, helpless begging me for help.
Getting over this kind of pain is the worst part. Time never heals wounds. It never go away, it never gets better. Every time when I have a question I can’t answer I always wonder if only I have enough time, if only I’ve spoken to him just one last time. I guess I will always wonder; what was his side of the story and where I came from.
Loosing my dad was the worst loss I had in my life. I know it’s loosing someone I never had in the first place. He had his other family and lots of other kids too. But in that little time I had with him was very special to me. I learn to love him and understood him. I felt complete like life has a meaning and I belong somewhere. When he died a part of me died with him. He was my dad and I loved him very much.
So now I look at myself and say, what do I do to go on? Do I curl myself up in my corner and wait to die? Do I cry everyday because he left me with unanswered questions?
I say NO:
• Everyday I wake up look outside and say thank you God I’m alive.
• I look forward to the new day, meet people; be happy, learn new things
• I laugh a lot, I love very much and I help those who can’t help themselves.
• I always think if today it’s so dark and there is no light anywhere, look forward to tomorrow because it’s coming and it will come with the brightest day ever. So I smile and say there will be light at the end of the tunnel. It always is if we are patient enough.
• I believe God has created me for a reason and until that reason is fulfilled I’m going to stay positive and be happy.
• Loosing my father made me stronger and wiser, I learn to live to the fullest like there is no tomorrow. Life is too short to stay miserable. There is so much to be happy about.
• I write articles about how I feel, how others feel, experiences I had to help others. This helps me to get my pain out in the open and at the end it doesn’t feel so bad.
• I craft to express my feelings and relieve my stress. I teach those who need my expertise.
• I watch a lot of comedies; it makes me laugh a lot in such a way that at that moment nothing else matters, like the world doesn’t exist.
• I cry and scream to relieve my anger or grieve. That helps a lot it’s like therapy when I’m feeling that I can’t take the pain anymore.
• I believe everything happen for a reason we just too impatient to wait or too blind to see it.
• I never think of ending my life in anyway, because I believe tomorrow is coming and I look forward to meeting all that it has to bring and I don’t want to miss it.
• As everyday has new adventures and I always want to be part of it. In other words I always hope that tomorrow will bring me good news, better life, better understanding of yesterday.
Does all this make it go away; no it just makes life bearable. It keeps me going. Some days are bad but many days are better. And I’m thankful for those days bad or good because they teach me how to be humble, compassionate and how to understand the pain of the others.