People say that today kids are too fat , obese is the politically correct term, because kids don’t get enough exercise. Well, once again, I am ready to leap ahead of the crowd and offer some suggestions to halt the runaway obesity epidemic in America. And after that I will stop a runaway train, leap a few buildings with a single bound and stop a speeding bullet or two.
But my super- feat today is to stop obesity among our children.
• Serve nothing but broccoli and peanut butter sandwiches for an entire week – at home and in the school cafeteria. Anyone that gobbles those down deserves to be fat and there isn’t a damn thing we can do to help them. But if the food is really bad, like broccoli and peanut butter, we can reduce the calorie intake of our YOUNG AMERICANS ( you are suppose to whistle Yankee Doodle and wave a flag, every time I say YOUNG AMERICANS. Please try to keep up)
• Eliminate the bus. Kids get fat when they sit. So eliminate the school bus and everyone has to run or walk to school. Sure some kids might live five miles away, but think what great shape they will be in at the end of the year.
• Put a bear in the parking lot during recess. The bear will chase the kids and they will be busy running and screaming and climbing to get away from the bear. Sure a few kids might be eaten, but these will be the slower heavier kids which will make the obesity stats look a lot better!
• Put the classrooms on the roof and in the basement. This means the kids will have to climb stairs, a lot of them, to get back and forth to class.
• Eliminate the janitor staff ( which budget cuts are doing already). Make the kids mop and clean and push a broom and paint classrooms and mow the school grass with push mowers and we have accomplished three goals. The school maintenance budget drops ( kids are free labor), kids learn a job skill and also lose weight. This is not abusing kids, but rather a career training program for our YOUNG AMERICANS. Sure, you scoff at this brilliant idea, but let’s face it, pushing a broom and cutting grass are jobs we cannot export or off-shore, and they may be the only jobs left in our GREAT COUNTRY.
• Make every kid carry five bricks in their backpacks, in addition to the heavy books. Make those kids almost sink to the ground under the weight of these backpacks. This will again accomplish two objectives. The kids will lose weight and will be ready for those forced hikes when they join the marines ( fighting wars on foreign soil will again be one of the few job opportunities available to our YOUNG AMERICANS so they might as well prepare now. )
Of course I have many other ideas to help stop the obesity epidemic that is SPREADING across America ( when it is a really BAD pun, you have to put in CAPS, so your readers understand your subtle humor).
But I am hanging onto my other ideas until they make me Chairman of the President’s Council on Physical Fitness. I can see it happening soon, just after I go on that date with Lady GaGa, find the flaw in the Theory of Relativity, and climb backwards up Mt. Everest .