Humans come in different sizes with their own energy level and ability to observe and cater to your needs and they all learn at different speeds. It’s our job, as a human’s pet, to teach them what they need to learn so we can have a more comfortable and rewarding life and have what we want and need. An owner thinks they are the ones in control and that’s essential for easier manipulation of them. For the shy or submissive pet, it may be more difficult for you to manipulate your human, but with dedication and learning to become more assertive, you too, can learn how to train your human in six weeks or less. Once you’ve trained them to come, feed me and go outside, you’ll be the king or queen of your home with a well trained human who recognizes your proper place in their life.
Feed me is the most important thing humans need to learn. Humans are slow, clumsy creatures, especially in the morning. Be patient with them because they can be grumpy when they first get out of bed. Most humans have trouble focusing on important morning tasks until after they’ve had their first meal from the bowl with a handle on the side. More aggressive humans need calm motivation to keep them docile and more manageable until they’re fully awake. Let them know you love them by walking in front of them and rubbing against their legs. Once they are fully awake, most humans are easier to get along with and can remember to make sure supper is on time.
Humans are fierce guardians of their food. It’s up to us to use all of our charm to get what they have. How to train your human to share their food will depend on their personality. Homes with more than one pet can use the decoy and steal method to get food, but it usually isn’t effective and only angers your human. The best way to get food is to stare them down. Sit in front of them with wide, pleading eyes. Add a string of drool hanging from the corner of your mouth to manipulate the more affectionate humans. Some will need a little more prodding and incentive. Give them your cutest head tilt and include a little shaking for good measure. Add a gentle tail wag, if you’re a dog, and cats can raise a paw as if you’re begging. Human cat people love this little trick because it makes cats look really smart and cute. For pets who have a more harden human, you may have to use the decoy and steal method. Another option is to sneeze or scratch your head to send loose hairs flying over their food. Be careful of flying objects, however, if trying either one of these tactics.
Outside is one of the more complicated maneuvers for humans to master. How to train your human will depend on if they are still in bed or already awake. Humans who don’t get up at the crack of dawn may need coaxing to motivate them out of bed so you can go outside. For cats and small dogs, there are several methods that work well. Drape your body across their head, sit on their face, bite their nose, sit on the pillow and stare at them (staring can wake up the more sensitive humans) or snuggle up really close and sneeze in their face. One sure fire way that works well-after you sneeze, rub your nose on their face. This is one of the fastest ways to get outside, especially if you enjoy flying.
Once up, humans get busy doing other things that take their attention away from us. You have to be constantly aware of how to train your human to make sure you receive proper respect. Sometimes you need to go the extra mile to communicate what you need. Don’t be shy about sending them signals when you need to go outside. For cats who are allowed outside, the best method is to freak them out by yowling frantically as you scratch at your door. Some humans will ignore this obvious signal and you may need more direct signals because humans can be a little dense at times. Back up to the door and raise your tail, giving a little quiver for effect. That’s sure to get the desired results. Be sure to stay clear of the human’s foot that may help you out the door. A quick step to the right or left can throw them off and they usually miss. Inside cats that have to use the (UGH) litter box, sit beside your pan and stare at it, then stare at your human. If they ignore you, start scratching the floor right beside the pan. Bingo, instant acknowledgment and a clean litter box.
It’s easier for you guy dogs to train your human. Simply position your right or left leg, which ever one is more comfortable to hang in the air, over the leg of a chair or table. The gal dogs can squat down with a funny look on your face. This works well to get their attention and it’s included in how to train your human for good reason. It can give you plenty of giggles as they trip over the coffee table, sending everything on it crashing to the floor, as they scream and stare at you with wild and crazy eyes. It’s a sight that can scare the spookiest house ghost we can see but humans apparently can’t.
How to train your human to come is easy. Humans are protective of their things and you can quickly teach them to come running. Scratch on the furniture or around the door, knock their stuff off of a table, step or chew on the TV remote, swing from the curtains and my personal favorite, growl in a menacing way as you stare up at the ceiling watching your house ghost. Humans are so funny and this works for cats and dogs. Humans will stare up to see what you’re looking at and see nothing. As your house ghost makes his scary faces at your human, make sure to maintain your cool and refrain from rolling on the floor laughing your butt off until after they’ve left the room. I ask you, whose the crazy ones?
Vomiting is the fastest way to get your human’s attention. Use this method when your human is in a different room. The preliminary hacking and gurgling will have them racing through the house to make sure you aren’t on their favorite chair, their bed or on the new entertainment system. This method also works for getting them to scratch your ears, as long as you didn’t throw up on the entertainment system.
How to train your human in six weeks or less is a must for every pet to know. Remember to be sensitive and give them lots of praise and love. They are creatures of habit and some may need more training than others, but with dedicated persistence, you can have your human trained in as little as six weeks- depending on their ability to concentrate and learn. Remember to stay cool and calm under pressure to mold and manipulate your human into the perfect owner who is well mannered and well trained.
A Cat’s Guide: Training Your Human
How to Train Your Human, The Frumious Bandersnatch
Darlene Arden, 40 Tricks to Train Your Human, TheDailyMews