My first experience with the Kinkade McGalleries occurred when I saw a classified ad in the newspaper sometime back in the 1990s. They were looking for art gallery/store personnel. I remember at some point figuring out that this gallery was part of a chain that apparently sold works or reproductions from only one artist (or at least almost entirely from one artist), one of whom I’d never even heard — Kinkade of course. I found this very odd. Several years later, I saw an episode of 60 Minutes in which Kinkade worshipers were featured covering every wall of their home in his paintings, and I also found out that Kitschkade, I mean Kinkade’s, “tag” is “Painter of Light” (hence the title).
1. Cultivate Your Tastes
If you prefer the song “Popsicles and Icicles” by the The Murmaids to “Incense and Peppermints” by Strawberry Alarm Clock, you’re on the right track. Prepare further by enjoying Hallmark Card verse, Care Bears, the Smurfs, Disney forgetabilia, Precious Moments, and above all else, the Bradford Exchange mail order worthless “crap”–I mean “lovely collectibles.” The Franklin Mint never looked so classy.
2. Attend The Right Church (and I mean “right” politically, too)
Make sure you attend church regularly, or at least tell people that you do. It can’t be just any old church, it has to be one of those big churches that’s like a mall and the pastor is a guy who used to be involved in sex and drug orgies and theft until he suddenly found Jesus and told his parole officer so. Now he serves Christ by privately and discreetly counseling both men and women about orgies.
3. Navigate To The Kinkade Website www.thomaskinkade.com
Click on the gallery locator. It’s just like the locators on the websites for fast food restaurants. Enter your address and find the McGallery nearest you.
4. After Having Visited Your Local McGallery . . .
You may wish to join the oh-so-exclusive Collectors’ Society. You might also want to purchase the Master Edition Snowman courtesy of Bradford Editions. It is “crafted of shimmering crystal, a three-dimensional Thomas Kinkade village is tucked cozily inside the crystal shell with a real working train that circles around the wooden base. His muffler, mittens and ornate lantern are lavished with a silvery finish, adding even more nostalgic appeal.” Step aside Van Gogh, move out of the way Rembrandt, gangway Matisse! The nostalgic appeal isn’t for you amateurs, it’s for . . . well I’m not quite sure what it’s for, but it’s certainly quite some nostalgic appeal!
5. Censor “Modern Art”
Since Kinkade is all the art anyone could possibly want for the rest of eternity, there’s no use in having much other art around, especially modern art! There’s all kinds of stuff that nobody knows what it’s supposed to “be”, and when you do finally recognize something it’s usually a man’s pee-pee, or worse yet a woman’s private area. Your pastor will provide you with a “Kinkade Slayed Goliath” action kit for lobbying your representatives against groups such as the commie devil-worshiping ACLU.
Purchase the Kinkade tabletop collection of dishes and hold a Kinkade tea party. While some of the women on your block are drowning in filth with their adult toy parties, you can have a little slice of heaven among your Kinkadettes.