Everybody’s talking about the” Bucket List” things they want to do before they go belly up. But what if you don’t want to wait to say or do something wild and crazy. Suppose you want to do them right away but your career is standing in your way. Here is my When I Quit List full of witty and humorous one-liners guaranteed to speed up your resignation process. For your convenience I have listed them in career order:
Administration: And your crybaby, whiny, sniveling, opinion on this project would be . . . ? Or, I have plenty of vision; I just don’t give a crap!
Bankers: Thank you for your deposit today. You made my retirement bonus that much sweeter. Smile and place the money in your pocket.
Customer Service: Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick . . . will you leave?
Drivers, Bus, Taxi, Truck, Limo: Place a white cane on your dashboard and wear sunglasses while driving down the interstate. Have a dog seated in the passenger seat. With a bumper sticker reading, “If you don’t like my driving, get the heck out of my garage!”
Engineering: I don’t work here, I’m a consultant. If you turn the building plans this way they actually look like you kissing my butt.
Hospitality: While addressing your guests cheerfully say, “Thank you for your visit! We appreciate you picking our fine establishment to humiliate yourself today!”
Housekeeping: It’s a thankless job. But I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off and continue to wipe down the toilet seats with itching powder.
Law Enforcement: While unlocking the jail cells scream, “Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is done!”
Lawyers: I’m not being rude Your Honor. My client is just insignificant! Take off your shoe, bang it on the table and yell, “I’m out of order, you’re out of order . . . Case Dismissed!”
Mechanics: Turn to your boss and say, “Your car is ready to go . . . I put all the extra pieces of motor in your trunk. And what the heck is a lug nut anyway?
Medical Profession, Doctors, and Nurses: Good morning Mister Smith, I hope you are feeling better today. Your symptoms no longer resemble the Plague!
Office Staff: How do I set a laser printer to stun? “Errors have been made. Others will be blamed! No, Tuesday isn’t good . . . how about never, is never good for you or how about the 32nd of Octember?
Psychiatrists, Psychologist: While listening to your last patient you might calmly say, “I can see your point but I still think you’re full of crap!” Or maybe, I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Teachers, Professors: I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid or thank you, we are all refreshed and challenged by your dim-witted point of view!
Waitress/Waiters/Cooks: There is no need to panic but . . . did anyone find a left finger with a wedding band in their Weinerschnitzel? Thank you for your $.50 tip . . . your generosity truly underwhelms me.
Disclaimer: This goes without saying, however I’ll note it anyway – This list is for entertainment purposes only.