Broadway has been having a rough few years. For decades the theaters were sustained primarily on big budget spectacle style shows such as The Producers, Wicked and Hairspray. However with the economic downturn these shows are becoming harder to maintain as theater goers can’t afford inflated ticket prices. Broadway needs to find the next big thing to stay afloat. It can’t be something original, it’s clear at this point that only plays based on known properties stand a chance anymore. And what has more recognition than MTV’s guilty pleasure Jersey Shore? With two amazing seasons of material to pull from it couldn’t be any more perfect. It’s a marriage made in heaven that will inevitably spawn a new wave of reality-theater. Here’s an early look at what will doubtlessly become the biggest stage hit in the history of everything ever.
I’m Going to Jersey Shore, B*tch! (Full Cast) – The show opens in high style as all the characters arrive at the house. Snooki munches on a pickle and is fast to befriend J-Woww and Sammi. The men arrive and quickly compare muscles and haircuts while talking about all the action they’re going to get. Angelina shows up and ignores everybody else, her singing is done mostly as yawns.
You Gotta GTL so the Girls Will be DTF (Mike the Situation, Pauly D, Ronnie and Vinny) – The guys settle in and sing the praises of the Gym, Tan, Laundry way of life and it’s benefits with the ladies. Reminiscent of the classic showtune Greased Lightning except not as subtle.
This Hair Ain’t Movin‘ (Pauly D) – Pauly D’s ode to his blow out. Pauly sings to the mirror during this 30 minute song as he meticulously goes through every step of his signature hair style.
Um… HELLO! (Angelina) – Angelina snaps and yell at everybody in the house for no reason that anybody else can figure out. This hard rocking song will blow the roof the theater as Angelina blows her top.
T-Shirt Time (Mike the Situation, Pauly D, Ronnie and Vinny) – This breakout hit is taken directly from the TV show. Documenting the traditional shift from tank tops to t-shirts in preparation of a night out, it’s mostly just the chorus repeated over and over. Definitely a song the audience can sing along to.
I Kinda Love You (Ronnie and Sammi) – Sammi and Ronnie start their fateful romance. Sammi sings longingly about how she “kinda, like, loves” Ronnie. Ronnie harmonizes with grunts and inappropriately loud laughter to show his feelings.
Creepin‘ (Full Cast) – A smooth jazzy number as the group hits the club. The ladies are content to drink and dance but the guys get to the job of creepin’ up on girls. The song starts with an easy going beat as Vinnie and Pauly work the charm. The tempo picks up when Mike starts just putting girls up against the wall at random. The song climaxes as Ronnie takes a body shot off an extremely well endowed lady bartender.
Screw You, I’m Done (Ronnie and Sammi) – After Ronnie’s behavior at the club Sammi calls off the relationship while Ronnie sings counterpoint about how she ties him down. A heartbreaking song for the ages.
Party in the Hot Tub (Snooki, J-Woww, Mike the Situation, Pauly D, and Vinny) – The night doesn’t end after the group leaves the club. While Ronnie and Sammi fight inside the others pile into the hot-tub, booze in hand for this lounge style song. The song ends with the guys calling some numbers they got at the club and asking the girls over.
We Got Grenades! (Mike the Situation, Pauly D, Vinny and Club Girls) – The ladies of the house leave the hot tub for more drinks but guys get hot and heavy with the girls they met at the club, who were quick to arrive. With the alcohol flowing the song is high in spirit but low in harmony. At the end Mike splashes some water on his face and realizes the girls aren’t the hotties they thought, they got grenades! Act 1 ends on this cliffhanger, unclear of how the guys will defuse the situation before the grenades go off.
Prep the Smash Room (Mike and Pauly) – Vinny makes a noble sacrifice and volunteers to throw himself onto the grenades. While he works his charms in the other guys “clean” the designated smash room. This fast and frantic number kicks off the second act with high energy, though the climax comes somewhat prematurely.
I Kinda Love You Reprise (Ronnie and Sammi) – Sammi decides to forgive Ronnie because he’s just so great to snuggle with. Ronnie’s just happy to have a woman to press his body against and grunts his approval.
It’s Just a Hook Up (J-Woww, Pauly D and Random Audience Members) – After getting off the phone with her boyfriend J-Woww grinds on Pauly at the club. Pauly expresses a miniscule amount of concern (though not enough to stop.) J-Woww responds by grabbing male audience members to make out with just to prove it’s not a big deal. Front row audience members are required to sign a waiver that the theater is not responsible for cold sores acquired as a result of this number.
Screw You, I’m Done Reprise (Ronnie and Sammi) – Sammi finds Ronnie’s little black book and berates him for not burning it the instant after their first kiss. The pair split again as the rest of the house watch and shrug indifferently.
Find Me a Juicehead (Snooki) – Snooki gets soulful in this heartfelt number about trying to find love. Listing her requirements Snooki pleads with J-Wow to help her find the Guido Juicehead of her dreams. A deeply moving song of drunken longing.
You’re All Fake! (Angelina) – Having spent all the time since her last song on the phone to people at home saying how much she hates it here, Angelina re-emerges to take on the entire house in this loud and defiant number. Not knowing why nobody likes her as she screams at them for being jerks Angelina storms out for good.
I Kinda Love You 2nd Reprise (Ronnie and Sammi) – What more is there to even say at this point?
Screw You, I’m Done 2nd Reprise (Ronnie and Sammi) – Maybe it’s finally over… yeah right.
We Got a Situation (Mike the Situation) – Mike starts the song trying to devise a plan to bring the house back together for one last party before the summer’s over. However it isn’t long before his shirt comes off an the song becomes exclusively about his abs. Female audience members are encouraged to storm the stage and feel the glory for themselves.
Beat Up the Beat (Full Cast – except Angelina) – That’s to the Situation’s magnificent abs, the full cast comes together as characters set aside their difference for the fist pumping finale. Pauly D mans the DJ booth while the guys build the beat until the fists are pumping as hard and high as possible. Mike and Vinnie fist pump like mad men while Ronnie and Sammi hook up. J-Woww knocks out a bouncer with her breasts while trying (and failing) to stop a drunken Snooki from falling off the stage into the audience. Snooki screams “Guidette’s Rule!” and lands head first into the front row with her dress flying up. As the song peaks a misjudged fist pump has Ronnie knocking Sammi out cold just as the curtain falls.