It’s pretty hard to follow a conversation around here. It all started when the ex stopped by to wish me a happy un-anniversary. We tend to celebrate a lot of “un” days, which is a good thing. So the little guy piped up and asks what an un-anniversary was. The ex said it was 16 years of wedding misery followed by 25 years of glorious freedom and bliss. I said it was like the song “From a Jack To a King”, ♫ From happiness to a wedding ring ♫…
As the eldest grandniece ignored this tender moment by asking me if I ever got off the couch when the ex and I were married, the middle child was explaining to her mother how she could be the only person in the history of education to flunk chorus. The niece told her if she wanted to play basketball she would need to pass everything. That’s when the eldest reminded the niece that she would need new basketball sneakers.
The little guy said the middle child didn’t deserve new sneakers because she cost too much already. I piped up and said that he would end up costing more than either of his sisters, and added that we never expected that the eldest would also be the cheapest.
The eldest thought I called her cheap, and promptly pointed out the error of my way, as the middle child asked why Lincoln chopped down the cherry tree. The sister decided to step in at this point because the little guy was calling his sister stupid. She asked Mr. Smarty Pants who did and he said Washington. The middle child said, “DC?”
About this time the ex told the middle child she should come to the gym with him on Saturdays when he brings the little guy to shoot hoops. The little guy said she would be an intruder so she would have to sit in the back of the truck. The ex said that wasn’t very nice, and maybe he’d let her drive and the little guy could sit in the back. The middle child stuck her tongue out and her mother said that was exactly why she wasn’t signing a driver’s ed waiver.
That reminded me about the eldest’s car that was in the repair shop, so I asked the niece what her deductible was. The niece got all puffed up and wanted to know why it should cost her money up front, and this was when the fur started to fly. The eldest was indignant and told her mother it wasn’t costing her anything because she would be reimbursed. I stuck up for the golden child and said this was what I meant about her not costing much. The niece flipped me off, but the eldest loves me.
The sister was still trying to explain something about school when the middle child told the ex that she was related to Princess Diana because of her teeth. The little guy asked who he was related to and the ex said everyone, and quickly changed the subject to Randy Moss.
The middle child asked if anyone knew who Joe “The Rock” something was, and the eldest said she thought he said Randy Moth. I try and stay out of baseball stuff, so I asked the ex if he was calling the Indians to reserve the room for December. He was bartering with the middle child about her “scholarship” payments (He pays her to pass) and the sister said she wasn’t calling any reservation.
The eldest announced that the least expensive and most important child was going to bed. (That would be her.) The niece said she was headed to bed also and the ex reminded her to call the rec and sign the little guy up for basketball. The little guy said he could play Saturday but not Sunday because he had a football game. The niece said his game was Saturday but she had a game to work on Sunday. The sister asked the ex if he had seen the rental car. The middle child wanted to know how much money the ex would pay her to play basketball.
Suddenly, after they all scattered, I was a little jealous of the nephew, five or so miles away, in the middle of nowhere. Here I sit. My head is spinning. My ears are ringing. The bottle of wine the ex dropped off is looking pretty good right about now, but it’s late. So rather than start something I can’t finish, I thought that maybe, just maybe if I wrote this stuff down….. it would explain many, many things.