I’m absolutely distressed to report that Hollywood’s famous bum and oracle, Lyle Shove-It, has been missing for well over a month. I haven’t reported on Shove-It’s disappearance until now-that’s how distraught I’ve been over his ‘gone missing’. What will I do without my oracle? What will Hollywood do without him?
Ladies and gentlemen, I have not the answers. And I know not what to do.
The worst part about it was Lyle Shove-It had been eagerly anticipating the 2010 Starbucks Thanksgiving Blend coffee (read Starbucks 2010 Thanksgiving Blend is Erotic, in Addition to Being Herbal & Spicy here), and I had purchased him the largest size Starbucks offers. If anybody knows about eroticism and coffee, it’s Lyle Shove-It.
I couldn’t wait to offer the coffee to him; see his beaming face, watch his reaction when he took his first sip. No doubt we would’ve hugged after that (the last time we met we got into hugging).
But I wandered through the alleyways, checking the spots Shove-It normally sits, sleeps, or pukes at, but he didn’t turn up. The coffee became cold.
And I’m finally thinking it’s about time I said something. Send your positive thoughts, everyone, and hope Lyle is OK.
Even better: send your positive thoughts to Lyle (and myself) wishing that Lyle hasn’t disappeared, but is in the arms of a beautiful lady who tenderly caresses his knotted beard and coarse skin.
Let us, for one moment, picture Lyle with this beautiful woman, in the shower, she exfoliating his skin, untangling his hair, all the while the water is running a dark brown off his skin and into the drain. Picture Lyle sheepishly peeking at her breasts.
Don’t tell me I can replace Lyle Shove-It with another homeless person. Don’t tell me there are plenty of homeless people in Hollywood. Don’t tell me one homeless dude is the same as another homeless dude. Don’t tell me my homeless friend, Lyle Shove-It, is replaceable.
If you don’t know who Lyle Shove-It is, here are the articles featuring the Oracle’s wisdom:
Hollywood’s Most Famous Bum & Oracle Weighs in on the Supposed Kardashian / Bryant Feud (read it here)
Old Farts Don’t Belong in Teenybopper Bars (read it here)
Lyle Shove-It Has Fetish for Sarah Palin (read it here)
Lyle Comments on Lebron James’ Move to Miama (read it here)
Hair Care Tips from Hollywood (read it here)
Shove-It on Having a Black Man as President (here)
Shove-It Talks Religion & Jesus Christ (here)
Oracle Talks About the Repugnant Nature of American Politics (here)
Bedbugs Infesting Many Homes in US, but Park Benches Still Safe to Sleep On (here)