I know that someone else must be getting my mail. Because the letters I am looking for never seem to appear. These letters include:
• A letter telling me that Uncle John has left me two million dollars. This would be great and a slight miracle as I don’t even have an Uncle John.
• A letter from the IRS telling me that the audit was a mistake and they apologize and because they love me so much I don’t have to pay taxes for five years and they want to send me a big refund just to show how wrong they have been.
• A letter from the court saying that they, like the IRS, owe me an apology and I am not supposed to be paying my ex-wives alimony. Actually they are supposed to be paying me alimony.
• A letter from my publisher saying that the last royalty check was merely an oversight and they forgot to add a few zeroes. Instead of being 380 dollars, it was suppose to be 38.000 dollars. How silly of them to make such a mistake.
• A letter from the Yankees, telling me they have been trying to contact me and they want to sign me up because they heard that I had a great knuckleball. They realize at my age, I might need some assistance getting to the mound and will have a special wheel-chair ramp built on the side of the mound.
• A letter from Maker’s Mark saying that they are avid readers of my work and they have noted that I mention bourbon a lot. Would I please be a taste-tester for them and they will send me gallons and gallons of free bourbon. Heck if you are going to dream, dream big.
• A letter from the college president, depending on what “college of the year” my daughter is attending, certifying that she has been recognized as a genius and they are just going to give her a degree, thus ending her migratory wandering from college to college and putting an end to her “seven year” plan. She can keep the t-shirt that says, “College – The Best Seven Years of My Life.” The t-shirt that cost her father untold thousands in college loans.
• A letter from the U.S. Surgeon General admitting that they have been completely wrong about the dietary guidelines they have established and think that a diet of French fries, chocolate chip cookies and bourbon, with a healthy Bloody Mary thrown in every now and then , is NOW the new standard diet for all Americans and they sincerely thank me for my wonderful dietary suggestions I keep sending them.
Anyway if you have been getting my mail and any of these letters appear, please forward them to me. Much appreciated.