Yesterday, I went to a park with my kids and we decided to chase some Canada Geese.
My bad. I didn’t think any one would actually have a problem with that.
I was wrong.
We succeeded, by the way. All dozen or so of them flew away. It helps when you scream a lot and wave a big stick around. We found this out on trial #2. So, as we were walking away, laughing and rather proud of ourselves, this dude spilled out of his back yard, cigar in hand and announced:
“Hey, you got a problem with nature?”
“What?” I replied.
“I said you got a f***in’ problem with nature?”
I’ll spare you the rest of the exchange. But tossing F-bombs in front of my kids wakes “Italian Mickey”. Italian Mickey is an Irish-Italian blend. I assure you it is. And, although it takes a great deal of effort to make it happen. Italians and Irish have a propensity for losing their goose shit.
So, make a long story short, this guy wanted to fight me because I chased a bunch of geese off, because I was teaching my kids to not respect nature. For the most part, I kept my composure and countered with some logical questions, asking if he ate meat and if he considered a park field that gets mowed by a tractor every month truly “nature”. He eventually left by turning away with his brain firing at a greater capacity than it could handle, which seemed to be all of 6 neurons.
Geese have always been a source of conflict in my life. I seemed to rouse some ultra-conservative types when I posted this satirical article right after Chesley Sullenberger crashed into the Hudson River after bashing into a flock of geese. Take a look at some of the comments. Geez! As a card carrying member of The Silly Party, I aim only to be funny while being completely apolitical.
My question here is; “what is nature“? And why are people so slow to recognize that man has already screwed up nature and many of its effects on animal wildlife before they were ever even created.
Allow me to give you an example. Here in Dayton, we have a very comprehensive bike trial system. I use to to get to work every day. Every so often, I run up along several deer. I grew up in a place where there were more deer than people. I know what the expected response is. They run the hell away. Well ladies and gentlemen, the special breed of bike path deer we are breeding have lived their whole lives along this bike path, among people walking, running and riding bikes. And, you can pretty much walk right up to them with your forefinger and thumb and plunk these deer right on the forehead.
* Thoink! *
That’s not nature. But, if you’ve lived in the burbs all your life, you might think it is. I’m not saying if that’s good or bad. I’m just saying that’s the way it is. So, scaring off some geese now and then is actually a healthy thing for them. And, it’s all fun until you rouse a beer-buzzed redneck. Those are the worst of breeds.
Similarly, Canada Geese don’t act like that when found in their natural habitat. When I see them on the bike path, they sit right in the way because (ostensibly) they like the feel of the warm pavement on their goosy little webbed feet. Ironically, they prefer to crap right there. Geese seem to disobey the law of thermodynamics called the Conservation of Matter, which basically says that any changes in matter are a zero sum game. That is, what goes into a goose head, should come out its goose fanny in the same amount. No. This does not happen at all. Way more mass comes out of a goose’s ass than enters in through its beak. Stays the same color though. Geese seem to crap so much they don’t even stop walking when they crap.
This goose crap effect does not obey the normal laws of nature. Nor does throwing asphalt down all over the place.
So, in conclusion. That guy who yelled at me in front of my kids was a real jerk. And suburban animals are not really true representations of animals or animal behavior.
That guy’s behavior, however, was.