Well, despite my lawyer’s advice, I have started my own home repair advice column. I reassured that my lawyer that it was okay, and if I changed addresses once a month, odds are it will take them a while to find me and file any lawsuits.
So without further ado, here is my first home repair advice column.
Q. My garbage disposal keeps humming. Is it jammed?
A. This does not seem to be a big problem. What tune is it humming? Perhaps it just doesn’t know the words to the song. I would become a bit worried of the disposal breaks into song, as garbage disposals tend to have gravelly voices and you might have to call in a voice teacher.
Q. My stove burners won’t light. The pilot is lit. What’s wrong?
A. I am not surprised that the pilot is lit. Many major airlines have been trying to cut down on lit pilots drinking in the cockpit. As long as the pilot stays lit and on the ground, there shouldn’t be any problem. There is a slight chance that your house could blow up, but look on the bright side – this will also take care of the lit pilot problem.
Q. My dishwasher leaks from the bottom. What is wrong with it?
A. Wow this is a very sensitive problem and thank God, I am known for my sensitivity. Leaking from the bottom is a common condition that comes with old age. It could be your dishwasher has a rusty bottom. Can you imagine waking up with a rusty bottom? Yes, old age can be cruel and your dishwasher may not have many years left, so I would let it have some dignity with the leaky bottom. I would suggest Depends or some other adult strength diaper for the leaky bottom. That would be the sensitive approach to the problem of a leaky bottom.
But in reality, your dish washer is old, it is leaking from the bottom and you will soon face a host of problems common to aging. Pretty soon the dishwasher will be wandering around the house, trying to remember where it placed its false teeth and, due to dementia, may soon forget to zip up and walk around the house with its hose hanging out. The kindest thing to do would be take your dishwasher to a recycling center, where it can be pounded in a scrap of metal and shipped to Japan, where it can start a new life as part of a Toyota. Meanwhile you can buy a younger dishwasher that is hip enough to have its own FaceBook page.
Q. Adding a 220 line in a very old house. Can it be done?
A. Of course it can be done. Of course our master electrician Sparky tried it and should be getting out of the burn unit in about a month. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It is tricky at best and if you have never worked with electricity, I would make sure that you have a good life insurance policy and if you are unsure what wire goes where, have your mother-in-law hold them when you turn on the juice. Also it might be good to practice first before installing 220 in your own home, so practice on your mother-in-law’s house.. It will be okay as your town has an excellent fire department and they should get there in time to save your mother-in-law and maybe the house. If the cat does survive, you can always call it Crispy.