Monday, October 11th, 1999
I had a dream that I recently started dating this wonderful guy that had lots of other girls wanting to date him. He and I genuinely loved each other and he only had eyes for me. Then one day he and I and some other women drove by a “disaster;” a house or other building on fire. My boyfriend got blasted in the face with high-pressured water from a fire hose and suffered a head injury. He had amnesia. He didn’t remember me anymore. I stuck with him until he was convinced (by all the other girls wanting to date him) that he didn’t want me around and I needed to leave. Then all the women who were trying and succeeding in breaking us up decided to follow me to the grocery store. They all stood around in a circle, there were six of them in all, and they told me I needed to leave him alone and that I was not helping by staying near him. They then walked around the grocery store, and I followed them around for a little while. I got bored with that, and I left.
I went to a mall and started looking around; I can’t remember what I wanted to buy. The same women that circled me in the grocery store started following me around in the mall and made mean comments about me, loud enough so that I could hear. It reminded me of Middle School/ Elementary school, only in my dream I wasn’t bothered by their snide comments. The women took shifts making fun of me, and amnesiatic ex-boyfriend laughed at all of their jokes about me. I went into a bookstore. The girls formed a bigger group, recruiting others in the bookstore into the game of bullying me. (Seriously, it was Elementary School, only with grown ups.) I pulled out a map and concentrated on it, wanting to focus on getting home. They were still making fun of me and I still wasn’t bothered. Then I sat up on a display table and read my map. As I was reading the map, the bullying group of women started fighting among themselves. At first it was verbal fighting, then it turned into a fist fight. I sat calmly. I asked the ex-boyfriend, who was involved in all of the immaturity,
“What’s going on here?”
“Looks like a fight,” he said.
“No, no,” I said, “What’s really going on?”
He stood still and seemed to catch my meaning slowly.
Then I woke up. (Time passes.)
Leaves are turning beautiful shades of fire red and canary yellow, and the rain is pasting them to the ground. Right now it is bright and sunny, so the wet ground is refracting light. The grass has zillions of glistening rainbow diamonds, one for each blade. (Time passes.)
Lately I’ve been thinking of how I “should” be. I’ve had people tell me all my life that I should be “this” and I shouldn’t be “that.” Dumdum acts like he knows me; he tells me that I always have to be right, and that I double talk. He says I twist things around so that I say the same thing a different way. Sometimes Dumdum gets upset with me because I analyze things too much and I take things too seriously.
The other day I got frustrated because I have been trying to improve myself in many ways and come to find out, I haven’t improved at all. Dumdum says things take time; that improvement comes in small steps. He said he wanted to help me improve.
Then I thought about it. I thought, “Why do I believe I absolutely need to change myself?” I came up with the answer: it’s because somebody’s not happy with me the way I am now. It occurred to me that I was generally happy with the way I was before my “friends” started acting really dippy and before I started dating that scabby man that I made the mistake of dating all those years ago. (I shall call him, “Scabby.”) I started getting unhappy when I kept hearing, “You need to do this/ you need to do that…” Need being the key word here.
Then I got to thinking, am I really that bad of a person? Or am I just different? I don’t ruin people’s lives. I don’t get myself or other people into trouble. As far as I know, I’m not being extremely mean. Yet I find myself wanting to be like other people all the time. Why is that? I was thinking earlier today how cool it would be to be like DaVinci or King Solomon, or a rich and famous person living now. I wanted to be blessed like those great people, so that I could be great and people could say great things about me long after I’m dead. I want to be all of that so that they can say great things about me while I am alive; I’d settle for that. But then I came to understand that I wanted all of those things because I wanted to be loved by other human beings. The reason why I am so envious of other humans is because I want to be exhaulted like they seemingly are. I’ve seen plenty of other humans being exhaulted, especially on TV. I have wanted to be well liked by other humans. That has always been a goal throughout my life. You see, I’ve always wanted to be the one that everybody gravitates toward. I didn’t , and I probably still don’t, want to have enemies. I want people to look up to me and respect me. I’ve always wanted to be really powerful in some way. But, I’ve wanted these things for the wrong reasons. I want to have all of this just to have people be nice to me; I probably ought to work on how I can start living with myself. I know I don’t like who I am, and liking myself should be the first priority, right?