I wrote an article a while ago about certain changes I would be undertaking in my life upon the advent of the big six-o. Well, it’s been a couple of years, so here’s an update on my strategy, and a few more entitlements I’ve discovered.
I said I was dropping my insurances, not seeing the benefits of faithfully paying the insurance companies money when they continuously refused to reimburse me for claims. Isn’t that the definition of stupid? Well, I did, and I since then have directed insurance premiums to gambling funds. Turns out that worked out better than expected, meaning I can at least cover my winnings with my losses at tax time.
At that time I was downgrading in automobiles to leasing a Ford Focus. I did get 38 mpg and a lot of snickers, but since then I have decided to just steal a car when I need one. I let the lease expire and voila! No lease payments or vehicular expenses of any kind. What’s more, I browse the cars sitting in my driveway and make my selection based on the amount of gas in each one. The family gets ticked if I don’t ask before I steal their car, but what do I care?
Not only have I burned my bras and gone back to wearing glasses, I find if I stay in the same clothes for two days, I cut my laundry in half! Not to mention the wind problem that corrected itself when I hung up my pantyhose for good.
Does anyone realize that when an older person grabs their chest and gasps loudly a couple of times that your chances of going to the front of that line you’re in are greatly increased? No business wants you flopping around on the floor of their establishment. Similar actions work in restaurants also. You’re weak. You can’t take your medication without food. You need to eat…..
I still send AARP promotions back, but I do it via the business reply envelope which they must pay for upon return. Just fold up the mail piece, stick it in the reply envelope, and drop it in the mail. You’ll be supporting the imploding post office while pissing off AARP. They deserve some payback for letting everyone in the world know how old you are by mailing you their stuff in the first place.. Trust me, those return envelopes aren’t cheap. I might be the reason they have to increase membership, come to think of it. Oh, well. Sorry!
I also said I would refuse to change my weight on my license. I lied. I did change it when the crabby old bat at the Department of Motor Vehicles slid her glasses down her nose, looked over them, and said to me, “Are you sure you don’t need to change your weight?” I said, “Well, now that you mention it, I have lost a pound or two. Better push it back to 110.”
I am careful not to overplay senility. To my knowledge my family isn’t trying to bump me up on the Wrinkle City waiting list, but I have noticed that lately the nephew has been dropping hints to the sister about my (heh,heh) “paranoia” issues. He also has given up rolling his eyes whenever I ask him who he is. Now he just tells me he’s the executor of my estate. Maybe I’ve taken this old age entitlement thing a bit too far…..maybe I’ll just buy an accordian.