I’m not quite sure how it happened, other than a second immaculate conception, but I think I must be pregnant. I can think of no other reason to explain my symptoms. This will teach me to browse through medical pamphlets while waiting for my doctor appointment. I most assuredly am experiencing at least nine out of the ten symptoms discussed. I’m still mulling over number 5.
Pregnancy Symptom 1 “Just feeling pregnant”
This began a while ago. I have that feeling throughout the day, but most noticeably after dinner when I’m rocking back and forth on the couch trying to get up for a snack.
Pregnancy Symptom 2 “Stretch marks”
Yep. My entire body looks like a street map of Chicago. I don’t remember having all these squiggles a few months ago, but then I haven’t been wearing my contacts in the shower lately.
Pregnancy Symptom 3 “Enlarged Abdomen”
Well, if this is an indication of pregnancy, I have been pregnant since 1986. Shouldn’t I be about ready to calve?
Pregnancy Symptom 4 “Enlarged Breasts”
Uh, compared to what? I’ve been able to balance a Budweiser on mine since high school, and now I can balance a six pack. Does that qualify?
Pregnancy Symptom 5 “Missed Period”
Don’t miss it at all. What are these people, nuts? How can that even be a symptom? Who would miss a period???
Pregnancy Symptom 6 “Strange Cravings”
This one really has me concerned. Just the other day I had a craving to lob a lamp at Nancy Pelosi. Right after that, the sister came in and asked me just what I had been doing all day. Then the neighbors woke me up at 1 am, whistling for their dog Jingles. Cravings? You bet I have them. I don’t know if they’d be considered strange…murderous comes to mind.
Pregnancy Symptom 7 “Fatigue”
I’m fatigued just thinking about getting out of bed in the morning. I’m fatigued just pressing the button on the coffee maker. I’m well over a half a century old, and I have a right to be fatigued, for crying out loud. Oh, wait. Do they mean that green and brown spotty stuff that hunters wear gunnin’? I have some of that stuff too.
Pregnancy Symptom 8 “Frequent Urination”
Uh, I guess I’m cooked. Time to drag out the knitting needles. I wonder what “frequent” means. I can still go a solid twenty minutes or so without having a knock knee attack.
Pregnancy Symptom 9 “Frequent Urination”
Sorry, just had to make a quick trip. Okay, where was I? That’s right. Frequent urination. Yes, that does seem to be a symptom I experience….quite frequently. I think I’m doomed. Wait…has it been twenty minutes?
Pregnancy Symptom 10 “Frequent Urination”
Phew! That was close. So, this one is a problem, and combining this with the other symptoms…um….hold on. Is inability to focus a symptom of pregnancy?