Long long ago there was an old man who was on his death bed. The doctors tried everything to save him, but since this was back in the old days when the best medicine available was dandy lion stems and oregano, he was pretty much screwed. He prayed and prayed to be healed but his prayers went un answered. So the old man decide to make a deal with the Devil. He called out:
“Devil! Devil! I don’t want to die, I want to make a deal with you!”
His wife warned him that the Devil can’t be trusted and not to make a deal with him, but the old man didn’t listen. He continued to call out to him, and eventually he appeared at the side of his bed.
“You called?” Asked Devil.
“Yes,” said the old man “I don’t want to be sick anymore. I want to get better and live forever.”
“Ok, cool.” replied Devil and he pulled out a stack of papers about an inch thick. “Just sign on the dotted line and initial the bottom right corner of each page and I shall grant your hearts desire.”
The old man wasted no time signing and initialing every page until he was finished.
No sooner had he put the pen down when – *POOF* – just like that, the old man was cured. He hopped out of bed and was so excited that he did a little jig. He grabbed his wife and lifted her in his arms and spun her around. Then he cracked open the best clay jug of wine they had and toasted to his new lease on life.
But mid celebration the Devil chimed in and said:
“Oh, I forgot to mention, in exchange for living forever you must live in the coldest place on earth and make toys for spoiled bratty kids all year long. Then once a year you must go out and deliver these presents door to door. But you only have once night to get them all delivered, if you fail you will burn in hell.”
“But that wasn’t part of the deal” The old man protested.
“Actually it was. You probably should have read the fine print. Oh, and page 48 paragraph B states that you must wear the color red at all times now that you will be representing me.”
“Zip it. I don’t have time for all this chatter and white noise. I’m late for a exorcism, gotta go, byeeeee!” And with that he was gone.
The old man and his wife looked at each other for a moment in disbelief. Then she picked up her broom and began to beat him with it.
“I told you never to make a deal with the Devil! He can’t be trusted! I told you, I told you, I told you!!“
And that is the story of how Santa came to be who he is today.
Christmas used to be celebrated on the 5th of June, but one day Devil was on earth bullying some nuns when Jesus came down from the sky and intervened. He kicked Devil in the balls and made him cry like a little girl in front of the nuns. It was very embarrassing. So as revenge Devil changed Christmas to December 25th (Jesus’s birthday) so that every year Jesus has to watch people all over the world receive gifts while he gets nothing. Devil also decided to make ham the official Christmas food because obviously eating pork products on a Jew’s birthday is just rude.
The tradition of the Christmas tree wasn’t always around. Back when Christmas first started presents used to be left by the fireplace. But one day Devil was scheming with a couple of his buddies from Haliburton’s olden days predecessor InHellNBurnin and thinking up ways to speed up deforestation and destruction of the planet, and they came up with a plan. He told Santa to tell all those spoiled little kids that if they wanted their Christmas presents they had to kill a tree and display it in their living room.
We light candles, hang lights everywhere, and make a fire in the fireplace to symbolize the fires of hell and show appreciation for the gifts we receive.
You may wonder why the Devil would do something nice like give presents to children. But the truth is, it isn’t about being nice. It’s about spreading and encouraging the sin of greed among impressionable young souls.
The tradition of putting stockings over the fireplace started because one greedy little kid decided that there just wasn’t enough room under the tree for all the crap he wanted so he hung one of his dirty old socks over the fire place with a note instructing Santa to fill it with gifts. Obviously this idea caught on like wildfire and within a few years every child in the world was being greedy and hanging stockings over the fire place in order to receive extra presents.
The Meaning of Christmas
Christmas is basically a big F-you from the Devil to Jesus, and you are all participating.
Better get to confession asap.