Ladies, I know it’s against common perceptions, but it’s not sex that will find the path back to your man’s heart. Respect and recreation clear the path. Sex is very important, yes. It will get his attention and it will make him want to be around you; but he’ll want to be around you because you make him feel good. It’s not his heart you’re finding; it’s little more than the response of certain unreliable organs.
Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. If you’re already married don’t stop having sex with your husband. It’s not the path to your man’s heart, but it is important for many reasons and a marriage will crumble without frequent sex. So the question is; how do you find the path back to your man’s heart?
There are two very important things largely ignored in today’s culture of quick answers. First, to find the path back to your man’s heart you must learn what makes him feel respected. Second, your man needs you to be his playmate. Confused yet?
Respect is Life to Your Man’s Heart
In her book, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn cites research she did on what is really important to men. She conducted surveys and interviews and admits she was shocked that, in much the same way affection is vital to women, respect is vital to men. I’ll go so far as to say that respect is life to a man’s heart.
Shaunti recounts a seminar she attended. The speaker divided the room in half with women on one side and men on the other. Then he asked a question, “If you had to choose, would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world, OR would you rather feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?” (Emphasis supplied by the author) On the men’s side, a sea of hands went up for feeling unloved, and on the women’s side a unanimous gasp in response. (21-22)
This example resembles a marriage counseling session my wife and I attended once. Our councilor asked me what I really wanted from her. After a moment of reflection I answered, “Validation.” My wife couldn’t have expressed more surprise. She turned to me and exclaimed, “I thought all you needed was sex!”
In other words, the path back to your man’s heart is cleared with respect. Not love and not sex. His heart opens to those who respect him.
Men do need sex; it’s not just a want. But I guarantee that for most men, if forced to choose between having sex and being respected, we’ll choose respect. It validates our existence. In fact, a man cannot feel loved unless he is first respected. To help women understand, it’s much the same as you feeling loved through being shown non-sexual affection.
So to find the path back to your man’s heart, you have to show him respect. But what does this look like? Saying you respect your man won’t bring you closer to his heart.
The Words You Choose and the Tone You Use
I’ll repeat it over and over. It’s not sex, but respect that will find the path back to your man’s heart. Maybe over time you’ve become impatient with your man’s shortcomings and adopted a nagging tone in your words. Perhaps you feel you have to coerce him to do things. The fact is, he’s human and not god, so you will find lots of things you don’t like about him.
Approach your man as an equal when a problem needs discussing. If you nag, manipulate and coerce, you’re treating him like a child. His defenses will automatically come up and then you have to deal with defensiveness. A disrespected man will not try to please you because he feels he’s already lost the battle. Worse, he won’t want to show you the affection you need because it feels like wasted effort on one who doesn’t respect him in the first place.
Words like, “You always…” and, “You never…” are highly accusatory. Instead, choose words like, “I need…” or “I want…” to express your concerns. Keep your approach positive and in a mood of reaching out to him. A conversation with this kind of flow maintains an equal footing for you both, and your man will feel respected since your words and tone have not reduced him to a child needing teaching.
Recreation is the Best Bonding Agent for a Man’s Heart
Here’s an amazing fact; men bond through activities. We don’t bond to women with sex, and we don’t bond to anyone with conversation. We’re wired for accomplishment, and it’s within teamwork that men learn about people’s characters and personalities. A man’s closest friends are those he works and plays well with.
But of the two, work and recreation, work is less effective in a marriage. Work isn’t fun and at times is downright painful. The better way to get back on the path to your man’s heart is find an activity that is fun for you both. Does your man enjoy the outdoors? Or is he a video game fanatic? Maybe sports are what get him excited. The list of possibilities is endless, and even if what he enjoys now is something you hate, most women learn to like their men’s recreation simply because it opens a man’s heart.
Alternately, finding a recreation for you both can become a project you work together on. The search itself for common ground goes a long way to getting in your man’s heart. After all, it’s an activity in and of itself. My wife and I have recently discovered that we really like cooking together. We end up joking around, teasing each other and then enjoying the fruits of our labor. Cooking is slowly becoming a joint hobby of ours. Five years ago I’d have never guessed it, but I now feel closer to my wife just because we’ve cooked a few times together.
Having Sex is Important, But to Find the Path Back to Your Man’s Heart…
Run a Google search and you’ll find literally thousands of articles on how sex is your key to being close to your man. I totally disagree. Men are not wired to link sex with emotional closeness and love the way women are. Why else do you think it’s so easy for a piggish man to say all the things you want to hear, sleep with you, and then move on as if all you shared was a cup of coffee? He’s pretending to let you in so you’ll let him have you. Once women understand this truth, they’ll be well on their way to finding a good man.
Once you do find a good man, treat him with respect. Make sure to have lots of fun with him with hobbies and entertainment. Or if, like millions of women, you feel trapped with your husband and life has gotten unbearably lonely, the same principles will turn your marriage around. Find the path back to your man’s heart by respecting him and enjoying what he enjoys.
Find the path back to your man’s heart with respect and mutual recreation. Sex won’t get you there.
Feldhahn, Shuanti. For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Multnomah Publishers, Inc., 2004