The whole thing started when we bought a new bathroom scale. I’m not one for numbers, but when it comes to my body weight, I want to know the number accurately. Well, to a point.
“Accurately” to me means to the nearest lb. Not tenths, not halves, but pounds. And despite my scientific training, which taught me to round up to the next whole number after .5, when it comes to my weight on a scale, I round down to the period. Period.
No place to put it
The whole saga started when we set up our new bathroom scale. The first problem was where to put it. It’s not that the scale was too big, it’s that the bathroom was too small. The other bathroom had oh-such-trendy cobbled flooring that there was no flat spot upon which to put the scale. The rest of the floor was carpeted, and thus unsuitable too. Hey Hon, we need a new house for the scale!
The bathroom scale finally found a home in the laundry room, where only clothes do their bathing and the floor is bare and flat. It doesn’t seem to mind the washing machine and dryer vibrating the floor while the taking its measurements. I don’t either. I disregard any numbers that vibrate upward.
The 300-lb couple
The need for the scale was mandated by the weigh-loss programs the hubby and I were on. We started out as a 300-pound couple in our courtship, and rose to amazing heights as our wedding anniversaries accumulated. We set our pre-nuptial combined weight as the goal we would try to reach together.
Too many variables
Not only is the new scale different from the old scale, other weight measurement parameters changed as well. Weight from water retention is a big variable while traveling, which we were. Going from a dry, high altitude to a humid sea level destination varies the amount of water the body stores. Weight loss from water occurs naturally; not much fat burns while sitting still; natural moisture increases in the air. With all these variables, determining what the fat weighs was dang near impossible.
Again, enter the new scale. Now it was in place on the bare, flat floor and balanced as well as it was ever going to be, considering the four non-adjustable feet under the corners were not among the variables. I placed my self on the scale, having shed my clothes, jewelry, removable prosthetic devices, bobby pins, contacts, even the undies stretched beyond the elastic point, which essentially dropped to the floor on their own.
I had been fully instructed on the proper operation of the scale, which in itself was not simple. No, stepping upon the scale was not what one should do first. What one does before stepping on the scale is of utmost importance, including dieting. A tap on the scale before getting on is also needed to wake it up.
Are you awake darlin’? Tap! Just one is enough. The scale displayed some digital nonsense on the readout and then it went blank. Okay, it must be awake by going back to blank (go figure), which was my cue to step on the scale for the infernal measurement. Besides, I’m getting chilled standing unadorned in the laundry room in my birthday suit. Brrr.
The scale displayed a number I haven’t seen in decades…a number not much higher than what I weighed in high school! Stepping off, waking it up for the second time, and stepping on again yielded the same number followed by point two. A repeat of the process two more times showed the same number followed by point four and point four.
Heck with the decimal points, I was going to take that number rounded down as valid. My husband said that’s cheating, but stopped the harangue when I told him that we were no longer a 300-lb couple but less, even including the decimal places. We had met and surpassed the goal we set for ourselves. Hallelujah and hail Mary!
Who needs a scale?
We like our new scale despite all the requirements and conditions it places on the folks who just want to know their weight to the nearest pound. Despite all the bells, whistles, decimals, and measurements too accurate for my liking, I like the thing for what it speaks of silently to me these days through that little window.
And truthfully, I really knew we had met our weight loss goal even before stepping on that new-fangled scale. I could tell because our pants were loose and kept falling down.
I’m considering tossing the scale and letting the undies deliver the good news.