It’s that time again, when we await the coming of our savior. Yes, that’s right. Santa Claus. A year’s worth of bills has been piling up and we’re all looking for a break. Along comes Santa to rain free stuff from the sky and allow us a little financial breathing room. I know that his arrival is nearing, because I see that the stores are preparing their aisles with loads of Santa-themed decorations. Light-ups, life-sized figures, wall hangings, inflatables, musical trees…
Santa comes for that one night a year and brings us loads of gifts, but Santa has a little-known counterpart on this earth, who operates on the other 364 nights each year. The Anti-Claus! While Santa brings things to us, the Anti-Claus actually takes things from us. Your car keys? Your cell phone? The Anti-Claus is to blame! Your beer? Your wallet? Your porn collection? Well, your teenager stole your beer and porn collection. But the wallet was the Anti-Claus!
For centuries, Santa has maintained the upper hand. While the Anti-Claus is usually able to make off with a few things per year, Santa Claus has always brought us enough stuff to more than make up for it. Like Santa Claus, the Anti-Claus lives in a barren landscape where the smartest beings are furry animals. No, not Alaska. The South Pole! And there he has remained, though this year it is obvious that he is making a play for the North Pole as well. And once he takes over, there will be no presents for any of us ever again!
Sure, the average person would not have been able to uncover such an insidious plot, but it’s true. While Santa cavorts with polar bears, elves, and slave reindeer labor, the Anti-Claus maintains an army of the most evil creatures known to man…penguins! And my keen eye has noticed that the penguins are taking over most Santa-themed Christmas decorations, despite the fact that PENGUINS DO NOT LIVE AT THE NORTH POLE!
If you could see how I’ve laid this all out on my chalkboard, you’d be even more outraged! Don’t say that I didn’t warn you.