For reasons that are far too numerous to list here, I must admit that I am not a huge Sarah Palin fan. Or even the slightest Sarah Palin fan . But that’s neither here nor there. There being Alaska. Sarah’s Palin’s Alaska. Sarah Palin belongs to Alaska. Alaska belongs to Sarah Palin. But this is no time to be dense. Being a well respected, objective journalist, I knew I must put all of that aside.
Because I am a fan of nature. And I am a fan of travel. I have never been to Alaska, but it seems to offer just the kinds of things I might enjoy. And that is what resulted in me sitting on my couch, shoving pizza into my pie-hole, while watching scenes of Alaska and listening to Sarah Palin gush out of her own filterless pie-hole.
There she was…woman of the frontier…right in her element. Wait a second. She looked about as comfortable doing outdoors stuff as those whiny people on The Amazing Race. Tangling her fishing lines. Catching an old boot. Her daughters don’t seem to have ever been on any of these natural Alaskan adventures, either. Or ever baked a cake. “What’s a quarter cup?” I’m no Matlock, but it all seemed a bit forced. And could you just leave the damn bears alone? You can co-opt them as your dumb metaphor without hassling them, can’t you?
A lot is made of her evil neighbor who is out to ruin her good name. Todd and his friends tack on some additional sections of fence to create a larger divide. “This is a lesson for how you should treat yer neighbors. You can do this same thing to protect your borders!” Sure, build a large, tacky fence out of disparate materials and colors. Which I think was the point of Robert Frost’s “Mending Wall”. Make haste to the border! Include some of that green corrugated stuff, too! When they go on and on about their neighbor’s sinister nature, careful editing zooms in on him doing something reprehensible! Was he massacring wildlife from a helicopter? Was he performing rituals with a witch doctor? No, he was reading a book on his porch. Sure it seems innocuous, but to many Sarah Palin fans, this is reprehensible!
And at home, after admonishing her daughter’s male friend, Andy, about not going up to Willow’s bedroom, he jumps the baby fence at the bottom of the stairs (See, fences are not 100% effective!) and heads up to her room. Baby gates are much less effective than actual birth control, it turns out. They’ve got all of those big holes and stuff. Anyway, Palin texts her daughter to come down. If that occurred in my house, I would have Crouching Tiger – Hidden Dragoned my ass over that gate and Andy would be mounted on the wall like that obnoxious caribou head that they kept zooming in on. Which was probably purchased at a garage sale.
At one point, she mics up for a difficult interview with Bill O’Reilly. Prepping with Todd, she reiterates that “taxes are bad, m’kay? Right Todd?” and compliments Todd’s understated intellectual prowess with ” Silent waters run deep!” Todd responds with something along the lines of “Yeah, Business is hard!” Later, while Sarah Palin is evacuating her bowels while crossing deadly glacial crevasses, I half expected her to point out that there’s no “global warming”. “Look at this big ol’ hunk of ice right here!”
The interesting thing is that Sarah Palin is a producer of the show and has editorial powers. The fact that she thinks that these scenes will actually help her… Well, I have to say that I did like seeing a lot of the scenery. The whole thing was breathtaking. Breathtakingly stupid. But I’ll see you again next week, because like the back of Sarah’s fishing jacket, I’m hooked!