Through massive research into the female psyche of this day and age, I delved into what it took to meet women. After failing to meet them in their normal hideouts at local bars back in my hometown, I decided that I needed to expand my options. My research and options led me to Seattle, Washington under the tutelage of friends that had ventured west earlier. But there was quite a bit of preparation that I had to go through in order to get myself ready for what the pacific northwest had to offer. My first inclination was that Sasquatch and Cameron Crowe were the popular items out here, but times had changed and left the early nineties in it’s dust. Generation X was now Generation XIII (or Generation Z, I don’t know). But what are girls into in this generation? It turned out I wasn’t far off. They acted just like Kyra Sedgwick and Bridget Fonda, but they were smarter; their taste in the paranormal evolved from Bigfoot into Vampires.
I was caught off guard when I first got here. All my years of studying Bigfoot were all for naught. My special unrated collector’s edition of Harry and the Hendersens was a waste of $29.95! So, I did what any man would do; I evolved and changed with the times. If vampires were what women of the 21st century were into, then by God I was going to sink my teeth in and get my hands wet. I began by doing an extensive search through the archives of Wikipedia and got an overview of vampires. I quickly discovered one of the earlier vampires: Vlad the Impaler. At first it was a no-brainer why girls were falling for vampires. This guy was a prince, he took over the family business, loved to travel and had a hard upbringing. However, he didn’t get the surname “Impaler” because he impaled notes and memos in his office; instead, he would impale members of the Ottomans that opposed him (nearly 40,000). Not only was he sadistic but stories passed down from generation to generation tell that he would routinely feast on his victims and drink the blood of the dead. This seemed a little odd and anything but romantic, but then again the man had taken two wives during his lifetime.
So, okay, I guess I can see why women are attracted to vampires. It must be just some revisited sexual thrill; this being bitten in the neck, kind of like urolagnia. Women this day and age must not have much respect for themselves anymore. Whatever, I can dig repression.
Without wasting any time, I set out becoming a vampire. It took some adjustment getting used to sleeping during the day and looking for women at night, but I fit in just fine. However, I wasn’t really meeting any other vampire chicks prowling the streets at night. Instead, I met a couple women that were willing to bite me in certain spots if I gave them fifty dollars. It turned out that those certain spots were anything but flattering and I might have to get an HIV test here soon (that is if vampires can get HIV). Lurking the streets at night and waiting outside of apartment alleys for women was quickly not paying off. After getting sprayed with mace twice, I was beginning to think that I was somehow being lied to.
That was when my friend, Sandra, introduced me to a set of books called Twilight. I was a skeptic at first, but after single-handedly reading the entire series in a couple hours, I realized where I went wrong. Women weren’t interested in vampires at all! Instead, they had their hearts set on Glittery Fairies! After getting into a normal sleeping routine and a couple court cases resulting in a plea of insanity, I was ready to begin my transformation into a Glittery Fairy. I picked up plenty of Elmer’s glue and sparkles at Bartell Drugs and began listening to bands like Death Cab for Cutie and Fleet Foxes. By the end of my transformation, I was a sensitive little fairy that reflected feelings and sunlight in the day. Somehow, this was supposed to attract a mate in the pacific northwest. But instead it irritated my skin and made me break out in hives. All the sad music I spent my time listening to only made me insecure with the sores over my body and all I did for two months was sit indoors and cry about my feelings. I was not having any luck with the dating scene, so I cried some more.
Then I realized what I was missing. It was obvious women weren’t into vampires, they weren’t into glittery fairies, sensitive men, or even reading for that matter. And once I finished watching the Twilight movies, I realized just what I was failing to understand. Women are interested in creepy guys that quickly obsess over them and are willing to do literally anything for their admiration (even if it means no sex is involved whatsoever). It turned out that I was prepared for the pacific northwest all along! I was so willing to change everything about me in order to attract somebody that I failed to realize that I had all the necessary traits deep down inside me.
So, look out ladies of Seattle, I’m out there and I’m going to follow you around and pine over your every footstep!