A sexless marriage does not mean a marriage has gone bad, for many sexless marriages are good marriages. What it does mean is that a major facet of the marital relationship has been lost. And that often spells deep sorrow and disappointment for the wife.
Many wives turn to sexier clothes and lingerie, candles, softer lighting and romantic music. When none of these produce the desired result, a woman can give up.
What every woman should know about a sexless marriage is that often the problem and the solution lie in the emotional realm. If a husband does not recognize his feelings and emotions, and especially if he does not express them, his wife stands little chance of enjoying his sexual desires and performance.
The Secret Why of a Sexless Marriage
Carl Jung, the renowned psychoanalyst, was one of the first to relate a man’s sexual performance in a lasting relationship with his emotional development and expression. Post-Jungian psychotherapists, such as John Sanford, tell us not to expect long-term satisfying physical sex from a man who does not acknowledge his emotions, nor from a man who does not share and express his emotions with his wife, children or friends.
A raw natural energy within a man Jung called his Anima may be taking revenge unconsciously within him, cutting off his interest in physical sex with his wife. Getting a man to evolve emotionally reverses this unconscious revenge, freeing a man once again to respond to his wife’s sexual advances.
This means it is up to the wife in a sexless marriage to take the first step. And that step is to get her husband to start admitting his feelings and expressing them. Since the emotional growth of many men in our culture has been stunted at an early age, the wise wife will appeal to those early-age emotions in her husband and help him grow emotionally from that point on.
A Good Tip to Heal a Sexless Marriage
Psychologists have found that many men stopped growing emotionally around the age of seven. So how does a wife get a man to feel those early feelings again?
Surprising as it may sound, a good way is to let him bake cake. So many young boys, attracted by irresistible kitchen smells, stood at kitchen windows watching their mothers bake cake and longed to join them in that activity. Countless young boys sat in kitchens watching their mothers bake cookies and cupcakes, feeling emotionally happy.
So, ladies, try something different. Get your husband to join you in baking a cake. And do not choose a cake out of a box. Begin from scratch and watch the emotions slowly begin to flow again in your husband. Such activities can be the beginning of a renewed emotional contact with him, and a sex life can be the eventual result in time.
Source: John A. Sanford, The Invisible Partners, New York: Paulist Press.