Oh, kitty of mine. Evil, chew-on-everything demon cat of mine, so sorry I slammed your head in the pantry door.
It was an accident, pure and simple. I was putting away cereal and you raced to the door like a banshee as I was shutting it and almost got your head lopped off. He he, did you have to glare at me so as you sat there shaking your head- I was laughing merely in pity, sort of. I only pissed my pants a little.
OK- MAYBE the rolling on the kitchen floor was overkill. But the back flip you maneuvered was so hilarious after you knocked yourself silly and then slammed accordion-like into the living room chair. Here, let me touch you kitty- hey, don’t run away! It was an accident!
Maybe I wouldn’t laugh so hard if you would quit chewing holes in the cat and dog food so when I pick the bags up the contents scatter all over the floor. Maybe I wouldn’t have tee-heed myself into Peeville if you wouldn’t just sit on the kitchen chair at night staring at the mouse in the house that eats your food right in front of you. You’re a CAT, for goodness’ sakes- eat that little bugger already so I don’t shit my pants every time the little critter jumps from behind the coffeepot every time I fill it.
Perhaps I wouldn’t be so gleeful at this tiny demise if you would stop biting the backs of my legs when I walk down the hall, rabbit-punching me while I sit on the toilet. Perhaps I wouldn’t be rolling on the ground laughing my ass off at you if you didn’t eat my tampons and toilet paper like they were prime rib. Maybe I would be petting you and consoling you right now if you didn’t eat my favorite Red Dogs shoes to the point where they look like confetti with a sole. I wouldn’t be so joyful that you were stupid enough to dive into the pantry if you were a good kitty who purred when you were being loved. You only purr when you are drawing blood from my wrists while I ATTEMPT to pet you.
Maybe I would be more sorry for you if you didn’t randomly attack me in my sleep, waking me up with your mouth attached to my nose, chomping away. Maybe I would be less inclined to accidentally on purpose slam your head in the door again if you quit shitting in the spare bedroom. I love you kitty, but accidentally slamming your head in the pantry door was like winning the lottery today- you made my entire day, you evil cat you.
Now, come give Momma a love. I really didn’t mean it.
note: my cat is fine. After glaring at me and licking her ass at the same time for about a half hour, she came purring into my lap and ceremoniously chomped me right in the vagina. Ahh…back to normal….