Many people who were once married to another person and have moved on have most likely experienced the intense surprise of hearing directly from their ex that they are getting married again. Sometimes how you find out feels more like a slap in the face then anything else depending on ow the relationship ended. For many of us who have been married more than once, the last marriage didn’t go over so well.
It was about over a month ago when I called my ex to see if he’d sent his child support as I have only received $105 out of $16,050 (current). He said he would have all of it paid off within a month. It goes without saying that I had already knew this wouldn’t be true and it isn’t. He proceeds to tell me that he and this “woman” he met on-line are getting married and that he would like his children to attend the wedding. I paused for a moment, a little shocked that anyone would marry him. I regret making the mistake of doing so. The first thought that came to my mind, one that I didn’t voice, was would I let my children go to the wedding of their biological father and a woman they don’t even know? To be honest, no. I have not meet this woman and it is my personal view that her choice in marrying a man who was neglectful of his two daughters, had never paid more than $105 in child support, had the delusions of monsters (that’s another story), and still lived with his parents at the age of 32. A lot more could be said but I am not writing a novel about my ex.
The fact is, I am not alone in what I feel about my ex getting remarried. I have, myself remarried. The thoughts that come to mind about myself getting remarried didn’t involve the feelings of how my ex felt. I was only happy that I had found someone who actually paid attention to the kids. So, in finding out remarriage for my ex was in store, I can’t begin to describe the tidal waves of emotion’s. These emotions were shock, disgust, and anger.
Shock is easy to describe. You wonder how your ex could be getting married. Especially to a woman (or man), that they have not yet met. You question whether it is a good thing that this happen being that they live states apart. At least from your understanding. Personally, I have never believed in Internet dating. It is too easy to lie about who you are. Particularly when it comes to age. You can hide your background. For all the other person knows, you could be a convicted felon, a person of the opposite sex, underage, or maybe, perhaps, your a mental patient.
Disgust: The word alone is enough. Still, disgust could take many forms. Disgust in your ex for putting themselves out there. Disgust for the person they have reached believing everything they don’t say. Disgust for the lies you already know that are being said about you. This I have personal insight in due to the fact that I know many of my ex’s friends and they do tell me everything. It’s a sad notion when they do that. As said, disgust takes many forms.
Anger: the anger you feel may last for a long time. You are angry about your ex getting married again because they are under the assumption that everything will be better this time. The memories you have, don’t make you feel so confident. What ever the memories may be. There could have been abuse, neglect, lying, stealing, cheating, so on and so forth. The list is perpetually endless. You could have anger towards the fact that not only does your ex plan to remarry, but to have children with that person. There is a term for parents who separate from a family they have had previously and the family the eventually have that results in the avoidance of the previous offspring, that term is “serial fatherhood/motherhood”. This does not escape my mind that my ex will do this. In my mind, he (my ex) has done it already with not paying child support, calling his children on holidays and birthdays or even on a monthly basis without being prompted. is eagerness to start another family is down right angering and sickening. All parents feel this emotion. How does one expect to have a more perfect family life if they were active in the last? How does one think that the next marriage will be better and that old habits wont be repeated? How does when think, without a doubt that he or she will be able to financially sustain the new marriage and family when they haven’t work (let’s just say) in four years or more?
I wish I could give you, my readers, some solid advice on coping with the remarriage of you ex and the emotion’s that come along with it. I am still at the beginning of this new . . . situation. I will say that my children, with what they have gone through previously, that they wont be attending the wedding. They will never know their new step-mother (as I don’t trust her and can’t say if she is capable of a strong willed child and a severely disabled child since she has not lived on her own before as far as I am aware). Point in fact, I haven’t told my children of their soon-to-be step mother. My youngest wouldn’t understand it, my oldest, well I know that she would be excited but I know that she doesn’t recall the horror she went through with how her biological father treated her. I will never get over her screams and cries to not go with him while I was at work. I wont forget how she clung to my mother begging. I wont forget the incredible strength a three years has in gripping the doorway. I wont forget the horrible words she would say while I tried to potty train her. I wont forget anything. I have cut off communication with the father. I don’t wish to speak to him. I don’t wish for him to be near the kids.