Just when you thought the zombies were gone, they come back. They’re at your local video rental. They’re in the RedBox. They’re on Netflix. They just won’t die!
Today, the targets are three movies that didn’t need sequels: “Gremlins,””Weekend At Bernie’s,” and “The Blair Witch Project.”
This movie wasn’t quite sure what it wanted to be. It was a blend of both horror and comedy. The result of that blend was the same as the result of the Gremlin that was caught in the kitchen blender: a bloody mess.
Later, Spielberg decided that more monsters making flatulents would drive people back into the theatres. Sadly, he was right. Now, millions have to forget the image of a Gremlin sex change. Don’t ask why. Just smile, nod, and walk away.
‘Weekend at Bernie’s’
Admittedly, this movie is a guilty pleasure. Everyone who couldn’t get enough lowbrow humor became enamored the film. Who doesn’t like to see a guy take a shot to the crotch with a palm tree?
Eventually, the movie became abusive. Viewers no longer cared about the main characters. They just cared that the madness stopped.
Unfortunately, it did not. Four years later, the sequel reduced the story to ‘Hostel’-like torture porn shaped as a comedy (Yahoo! Inc., n.d.).
‘The Blair Witch Project’
Imagine the story: three students go into the forest alone to document a witch. What could go wrong? Everything went wrong.
First, the cameras were handhelds. Someone forgot that when you scare someone holding a handheld camera, you get vomit-producing, shaky-cam scenes.
Secondly, who could forget the laugh-out-loud tragedy of the “I’m so sorry” scene? The up-the-nose shot was something that would make any professor proud to display this to his class of aspiring ENT’s.
Finally, the ending was frighteningly confusing. What exactly was that guy doing in the corner and will it leave mental scars if the viewers knew?
In the interest of milking the cash cow, a sequel was produced. Sorrowfully, it lacked all of the raw terror that existed in the first movie.
Each of these movies had no need for a sequel, unless it was a correction of the original. If we could get J.J. Abrams to produce a remake of “Gremlins”, collectively ignore “Weekend at Bernie’s”, and have Oren Peli of “Paranormal Activity” direct a re-make of “The Blair Witch Project”, all wrongs could be corrected.
Yahoo! Inc. (n.d.). Gremlins (1984). Retrieved November 6, 2010, from Yahoo! Movies
Yahoo! Inc. (n.d.). Search Results: “weekend at bernies”. Retrieved November 6, 2010, from Yahoo! Movies