There is something about Christmas shopping that seems to bring out the lunatic in my family. Maybe it’s some sort of seasonal disease, like an allergy, as they all seem to look perfectly sane and normal during the entire rest of the year. But just like the transforming effect that the moon has on a werewolf, some of my family members turn into horrific monsters at the sight of a Christmas tree next to a sale sign at the mall. We call it the Christmas Rage.
My mom had this disease, and now my older sister Darcy seems to be suffering from the same sickness. This is a married, church going woman with a husband and 2 kids who is normally very poised, polished and personable. She is head of her department at a major New York fashion house, so I know that she knows how to deal with all types of people in way that will allow her to accomplish her goals without offending them. So why is it that if your shopping cart happens to lightly bump her at the grocery store anytime between December 15th and January 1st, she will immediately launch into a tirade of curse words meant to humiliate and at the same time discourage you from ever walking down the same isle as her again?
Last year she and I went shopping on Christmas Eve, along with her 2 teenage kids and our older sister, Diane. Darcy was driving, spewing profanities all along the way at the other drivers who she insisted either had road rage or had just left their office Christmas parties and were driving drunk. When we arrived at the mall, no one was surprised to find that of course the parking lot was absolutely packed to the full. We spotted a man who was walking to his car with bags in his hand, so we slowly followed behind him so that we could take his spot when he left. Darcy waited patiently to the left of the parking spot as the man got into his car and put on his seat belt. The man backed out to the left, with the tail end of the car blocking us for a moment as he prepared to pull off. But just as he did, to our surprise a woman driving another car pulled up on the right side of the man’s car, and took the spot before we could pull in!
It may as well have been a full moon right in the middle of the afternoon, because Darcy seemed to transform right before our eyes. Her brow wrinkled, her eyes darkened and her voice deepened to an animalistic growl as she barked “OH NO SHE DIDN’T!!!”
She sat there with her mouth wide open, the anger simmering just below the surface. She was visibly about to boil over at any second , while this woman in “our” parking spot got out and locked her car. Diane, the kids and I were all frozen with fear. We had seen similar occurrences before, and none of them had ever ended well.
This woman must have also suffered from the same seasonal disease, as she boldly looked Darcy directly in the eye as she exited her car, as if to say “What are you gonna do about it?” Only the similarly infected or the crazy would have done such a thing. She obviously doesn’t know Darcy at Christmastime.
Before any of us in the car could stop her, Darcy jumped out of the vehicle and pounced on the woman who had stolen her hard earned parking spot. The sight reminded me of my cat attacking this poor critter that had somehow got into my apartment one day thru the dryer vent. It wasn’t pretty.
Diane and I quickly instructed my niece and nephew to stay in the car while we both got out and tried to run to the woman’s aide, but by the time that we got there it was already too late. The woman was running for her life back to her car, but somehow looked a little different than she did when she had gotten out of the car just 30 seconds earlier. Something about her hair was different, but I couldn’t quite place what it was in all the excitement ( especially as I had not really gotten that good of a look at her in the first place). It wasn’t until I looked at Darcy’s hands that I realized what it was.
Darcy was standing in the middle of the parking lot panting like a wild animal. She was spewing profanities like water from a faucet, and holding up the woman’s long black wig in her right hand like a quarterback after scoring a touchdown in football.
The woman quickly backed out of the parking spot and sped off, leaving my poor crazed sister now with a somewhat eerie but at the same time defiant grin on her face. Darcy then wanted to park the car and continue on with the shopping trip as planned, but Diane and I convinced her that as the police would probably be visiting this parking lot soon to look for her and the wrongly removed wig, it might be best if we finished our Christmas shopping elsewhere that day.
As expected, there have been no further incidents of that type since last year. Like I said, it’s only a seasonal disease, but Christmas is now again fast approaching. And just as the villagers know that when the moon is full they should not venture out at night for fear of the Wolfman, Diane and I know that we have to do a better job of protecting unsuspecting shoppers from the wrath of Darcy. We take this task seriously, but please pray that we are successful. For all our sakes.
Copyrighted © 2010 by Que Scott. All rights reserved. Do not reproduce without permission.