As I was watching the Dallas Cowboys lose another football game, the perfect Wade Phillips job popped into my head. Since it seems inevitable that Jerry Jones will fire Wade Phillips at some point, he’ll be looking for work.
The perfect Wade Phillips job
Take a good look at the picture of Phillips above. Then think Christmas. Do you see it? Put a white beard, red and white hat, and red suit on him, and Wade Phillips is Santa Claus! He doesn’t even need a pillow in the jacket.
He’d be great as a mall Santa Claus. In addition to the resemblance Phillips bears to the jolly old man of Christmas fame, he shares the temperament, too. As the Dallas Cowboys are playing sloppy, penalty-ridden football, Santa Claus, er…Wade, is nearly stone-faced on the sideline.
Some coaches rant and rave, and stomp up and down the sideline yelling and throwing things when their team plays as poorly as the Cowboys have, but not Wade. Think Dennis Green in a post-game press conference. I’ve never seen Wade Phillips like that.
You never really know what Wade Phillips is thinking. His voice rarely changes, his facial expression rarely changes, his mannerisms rarely change. I have seen Coach Phillips smile on occasion on the sideline, but not much more than that.
And those qualities-patience, unflappability, equanimity, soft voice-make being Santa Claus the perfect new Wade Phillips job: he’s been training all season to sit on a big throne in some mall while hundreds of little children sit on his lap, pull his beard, and tell him what they want for Christmas.
He’s been babying 53 grown men, highly-paid professional athletes, so a bunch of kids excited about Christmas should be nothing to him. If he doesn’t get mad at the antics of his players during a football game, three hours of Christmas wishes and photographs will be a piece of cake. I’m not kidding, this is the perfect Wade Phillips job!
If the Cowboys’ season gets any worse, some Cowboys players might be available to help Wade in his new job, as well. Mall Santas do need elves and photographers.
There’s only one problem with this new Wade Phillips job scenario. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has said that he’s not going to fire Wade Phillips during the season. And the 2010 NFL season doesn’t end until after Christmas, which means Wade wouldn’t be available to be Santa Claus this year.
Maybe we could start a petition asking Jerry to fire Wade Phillips before the season’s done, so that he could get the training he needs to be Santa Claus. Because being Santa Claus, rather than coach of the Dallas Cowboys, is the perfect Wade Phillips job.