I’m glad this season of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is over. Way too many mental gymnastics went into watching this year’s installment; dual Kims, hair pulls, housewarming parties, christenings, babies, energists, thugs, ham games and so on and so forth. I don’t know if this much happened on “Dallas” and “Dynasty” combined.
Before we could put this season to rest (though I suspect a “Lost Footage” episode is floating around out there ready to jump up and affix itself to our necks like a vampire) we had to get on the couch one last time to relive the glory that was the second season of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
We picked up from last week’s rewind of the fundraiser debacle. Desperate Danielle spent most of the night slithering out of one accusation after another. Andy Cohen put her on blast for stirring the pot at the Brownstone that night and Desperate Danielle admitted she came in looking for a fight, but blamed Kim G. for getting her hopped up (Desperate Danielle would use Kim G. as a scapegoat for all the ills in her world. I half expected her to blame Kim G. for getting in the way of world peace.) This did not sit well with Caroline who tried to press Desperate Danielle to take some modicum of responsibility for her behavior. No go.
The whole “f-bomb” calamity came up (no, not that “f-bomb”). Desperate Danielle got called out repeatedly for being a hypocrite for allowing the Thugtastic Danny to refer to Caroline’s son as a gay slur, but ripping Joe Giudice a new one last season for using the same term to describe a gay man. Desperate Danielle tried a half dozen ways to spin the record, but no one was dancing, including Andy Cohen. She finally claimed she stopped talking to the Thugalicious Danny afterwards (so I guess all those scenes of them munching on fries, eating pan-nini’s and shopping together long after the fact were figments of our imaginations.)
Desperate Danielle’s second flight from the couch occurred after Caroline relayed a story from her neighbor about seeing Desperate Danielle creeping around Caroline’s house. Jacqueline then launches an assault against Desperate Danielle, labeling her a “call girl” who sleeps with married men. Desperate Danielle stalks off the stage and straight towards her maybe lovah, “lesbian superstar” Lori Michaels. When Desperate Danielle asks Lori to confirm that they never go to Franklin Lakes, all the “lesbian superstar” can do is laugh uncomfortably. Guess Desperate Danielle forgot about speeding in the night towards Carloline’s house to crash a party – with her two daughters in the car, no less – or tip-toeing into town for pan-nini’s. Just sayin.’ Anywho, after getting worked up over Desperate Danielle (“I’m a born-again virgin who makes sex tapes”) Jacqueline jumps off the couch to chase down Desperate Danielle in a feeble attempt to get her former bestie to cop to all her misdeeds. Once Andy gets everyone back on stage, he reinstitutes the couch time-out.
Dina’s departure is replayed as is Jacqueline’s troubled relationship with Ashley. Jacqueline claims she and her daughter have always had their battles and feels she’s exhausted all her options with Ashley. A discussion ensues about a particularly nasty tweet from Desperate Danielle (essentially agreeing with a tweet someone sent her praying that Ashley would kill herself.) Desperate Danielle tries to tap dance around the issue and first claims amnesia then pulls the horrified card from the bottom of the deck. Once again, no one, especially Caroline, is buying her innocent act.
To be filed under most uncomfortable moment of the night (which is saying something), we get to revisit the hair pull heard round the world. Teresa still denies she put the whole disaster in motion and Desperate Danielle is still blaming Kim G. for being her pusher. To demonstrate how hard Ashley yanked her hair that night, Desperate Danielle pulls out her shrunken head, er, wig stand, and has Andy pull the hair. It takes some doing for Andy to separate that hair from its scalp, but he manages to do it. Caroline wants Desperate Danielle to admit that Ashley never threatened her life, but all Desperate Danielle can come up with is she heard it from Kim G. Caroline wants to conjure up Kim G. for answers. Ask and you shall receive.
Kim G. joins the Housewives on the couch to defend her shenanigans. She and Desperate Danielle take turns deciding who used who more (let’s call it a draw) and Caroline interrogates Kim G. over all the supposed things she was saying to Desperate Danielle (which Kim G. flatly denies). Kim G. claims she didn’t hear Christopher tell her the night of the fundraiser that she was overdressed and when she tries to complain about the table that night, Caroline cuts her down with facts (don’t mess with the Mama Bear, Kim G.) Caroline still won’t have lunch with Kim G., Desperate Danielle calls her pathetic and Andy determines their dislike of Kim G. is the one thing all the Housewives can agree on (except Jacqueline who decides she doesn’t mind Kim G. all that much. So much for world peace.)
After Andy kicks Kim G. off the couch, Caroline and Desperate Danielle go to it once again over their finale face-off. Desperate Danielle goes round in circles and Caroline decides to get off the ride. As the clock ticked down to the final moments of the reunion, Jacqueline goes all love and light and apologizes to Desperate Danielle for everything and vows she will never hear from her again. Desperate Danielle reciprocates with mea culpas of her own and admits she loved Jacqueline, which accounts for most of what she said and did. Teresa pipes in and says she never invokes Desperate Danielle’s name outside of anything to do with the show (I guess this was her version of an apology.)
And then…it got weird. Desperate Danielle was off the couch again, this time to hug Teresa. She then moved over to Jacqueline and swallowed the woman up in a fierce embrace. Desperate Danielle didn’t want to let go and murmured a lot of sweet nothing’s in Jacqueline’s ear. Jacqueline looked ready to cut and run and after an eternity, Desperate Danielle released her grip. She then moved over to shake Caroline’s hand, who took it reluctantly and restated they will never be friends. Caroline’s BS meter goes into overdrive; she says she’s no dummy and hopes they’re all sincere about making nice, but she’s not holding her breath. Andy decides they should end on a positive note and the curtain comes down on Season Two of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
Alright, let’s continue on with “The Real Housewives of D.C.,” gear up for a new season of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” and meet “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” It’ll be a race to see what explodes first – my DVR or my computer.